im thinking of what sarah said

While teaching my class today I was interrupted by my mother who informed me that my Grandmother may not survive the day. She had been sick for quite some time and we knew that it was only a matter of time, but we didn't think it would be so soon (I suppose one never does).

Luckily I was able to find a replacement instructor to teach the second half of the class and I went off to pick up my wife and head for the hospital. I hate hospitals, especially this one. This is the hospital that seems to only herald loss. Regardless, this is where we are, discussing how she will be kept alive until more family can come to say goodbye. How morbid and strange. I'm not really sure how to take it all in.

ghey

So my poker coach is raising his rates. They are essentially doubling, which is a little problematic, because I'm running like shit already, and even if I was running normal the cost of the lessons would make it nearly impossible to pay for them from my bankroll alone, as I have been doing. So I've made a goal for myself to get back up to 100nl by March 1, when the rates go up. To do that I've got to put in a lot of hands. My goal is to play 30,000 hands of poker by the end of February. Its doable, although it will be difficult. Its been pretty rough so far because I just can't seem to put together a cohesive win streak. Its only a matter of time though, I'm sure.

Tomorrow we head to Denver for Cate's brother's wedding. This will be a lot of things...good is not likely to be one of them.

are we human

First off, as an aside, I'm loving the new Killers record. It wasn't much at first but has attached itself to my senses and forced me into submission. Now I must surrender and admit, I really like that damn record.

Its amazing how something as silly as Facebook has forced me to interact with people I haven't talked to in ages. I can honestly say that I miss them all. One of the things I'm learning is that not only do I fail at keeping in contact with people, but I largely suck at friendships. I'm working on being better, but that all takes time. I think my problem is that I like people, but I get really awkward being around them. I think that means I'm mentally unstable or something.

I'm feeling rather random today. That, unfortunately, is not the appropriate state of mind for preparing a proposal for a huge government contract. If you were with me right now this is where you would hear me sigh.

I was going to say something else but forgot. Stupid brain...

Ah ha! I remembered! So I played a short heads up match online yesterday and won a significant amount, which was good. However, I don't feel like I played very well and it really upset me. Who cares right? But the thing that was so weird is that after this long downswing, booking a nice two buyin win should be really awesome right? But the fact that I won it by playing what I suspect was bad poker annoys me and poisons the win. Even though that seems silly and perhaps bad, I can't help but feel that perhaps that's a good thing.

i need a dead owl

I don't know if its my nature or if its because I'm slightly A.D.D., but I just love how little things can distract me and make me happy. Here's the three little things that give me a jovial disposition this morning:

• I found and downloaded old songs from the band Twin Sister. They were an old alt/funk band that I listened too in high school. All they sing about is Star Wars. So awesome.
• My poker tracking software, Poker Co-Pilot (the ONLY tracking software for Macs) just added a c-bet frequency stat to their HUD. Most people reading this won't know what that means, but, basically, it means profit for me.
  
• I was listening to the new Ricky Gervais podcasts/audiobooks. Brilliant and funny. Amen.

All this adds up to a happy me this morning.

holiday remnants

I hate the week or so after the holidays where people still have their decorations up, and some stores still have Christmas music. I don't really know what it is, but as soon as the holidays are done, I just want to get it all out of the way. It just feels so cheap. I'm ready to start the new year, why isn't everyone else damn it?!

Things are coming back to reality overall though. The holiday's are over, we're all moved into the house, the extra money we had to fix up the house is basically dried up, and I'm going back to work regularly. Its really weird for some reason. I just feel so out of touch. Its hard to get motivated to do my work when I have these pressing issues on my mind. I just need to adjust I guess.

In other news, I got a Star Wars game for Christmas, which is a lot of fun. I'm all excited about Star Wars now and want to watch all the movies again. I haven't seen the new cartoon one though. Not sure if I'm interested or not.

We also just finished reading The Watchmen. It was very good and thought provoking. I strongly recommend reading it for everyone really. It was one of the first books to show super heroes as "human" and not so black and white, at least in my uninformed opinion.

baby new year

So its time for the obligatory end of the year recap/new year resolution blog. Every year we all make lists it seems like. We put things into categories that help us easily analyze our life. I remember one time Catherine and I were making a list and we accidentally called the list a "box", which is fitting. We like to keep memories in simple, easy-to-understand boxes that help us easily categorize our lives. Obviously life is much more complex than a list of highlights and lowlights. I wonder if we miss something in ourselves and others by relying so much on summaries and briefs.

Still, pretty much no one out there was there with me throughout the year and I don't have time to write a book, so a blog of lists it is. Without further adieu....

2008 highlights:

• Catherine has made some huge progress. She has her good days and bad days, but I can tell a big difference. She made some huge strides.
• In line with that, Catherine and I have been married for 5 years now and we're still crazy in love. I still can't get enough of her.
  
• Our house. We are officially home owners in one of the richest areas in America. I have no idea how it happened. One day we were content apartment renters, the next we were making an offer on a house. Then the story behind it just seemed to confirm that there is more to this than random chance. Every once in a while God seems to force his way into your life, despite your own desires, and make himself known. I can't help but think that this house is a promise. I feel like he's letting us know that he's taking care of us and he still loves us, even if we aren't acknowledging him.
• The Gantt family grew this year with the addition of little Samuel Gantt, my brother's new son. He's a cute little pudgie thing.
  
• Since I started getting serious about poker I have wanted a coach or mentor to help me grow as a player and weather the ebb and flow of variance. I finally found one through Deucescracked. I started having regular coaching sessions with Jared Kenworthy (jk3a) back in September I think and, while it is expensive, it is worth every penny. I have grown so much as a player and technically the lessons have paid for themselves. After the first couple of sessions I have paid for the sessions from my poker winnings. Ship it.
• We discovered some great new tv shows like Dexter, Curb Your Ethusiasm, and 30 Rock that have quickly become all-time favorites.
  

2008 lowlights:

• It was one of the toughest years of my life trying to care for Catherine. We both struggled so much almost every day to just ensure that she made it through each one. As a result, for much of the year we were in survival mode. Everything else took a back seat, even our relationship at times.
• The economic slow down, while it hasn't affected us too much, has affected a lot of people, and is scary in a lot of ways. I am the type of person that is generally optimistic about things, so I believe it will turn around soon. But there is a part of me that sees the future as very uncertain overall.
  
• It was a rough year for poker overall. The UIGEA regulations are beginning to be implemented, the World Poker Tour is declining, the cheating scandals at Ultimate Bet and Absolute Poker being exposed and subsequently being highlighted by the 60 Minutes show, which also painted online poker is such a negative light in general. The list goes on. There is some hope that with the Obama administration we can get the UIGEA overturned and legitimize online poker, but even that is just a hope at this point. What really happens remains to be seen.
  

And, finally, the resolutions for 2009:

• Get Catherine better.
  
• Get back to church, in some way and spend real time with God as much as possible.
  
• Take Catherine on more dates.
• Read more books and finish the ones I've started.
• Become a winning 100nl player and begin to take shots at 200nl.
• Play in at least one WSOP event.
• Play more guitar.
• Fix up my house.
• Eat healthier and exercise at least 4 times a week.
• Start going back to school to finish my degree.
• Get my CSP certification.
• Be a more thoughtful, aware person.