mountains fall over me

We just got back from a business trip to Yosemite today. This was the third time we've done this trip in four years. Its hard to put into words how inspiring it is, surrounded by these huge walls of granite, cradled in forests and beautiful meadows, full of ponds and waterfalls. It is a place full of awe. For the first time we walked to the bottom of Yosemite Falls. From afar it looks so delicate but up close it is violent and overwhelming. You can hardly look at it for more than a few seconds because the force of the water falling creates a wind that literally takes your breath away.

I couldn't help but feel like when I was there I was in the hand of God. Something so beautiful and fragile, but overwhelming and impervious. At any moment I felt like I could be crushed under the weight of it all. Like the gigantic walls of granite would fall around me, squeezing the inconsequential life out of me. But at the same time I felt so alive being there. It seems like there is something liberating about letting go of control and trusting. God is wild and cannot be tamed. I think I'm learning that truth and it is both terrible and wonderful. He is here and cannot be contained.

I think I need to learn to receive love. I am tired of being so self-conscious. I'm tired of feeling regretful and stupid. I want to be full and free, able to love others without considering what love I need. I can't imagine how liberating that would be.