Oh how the world changes

I'm not blogging as much any more. For more info you can find me on twitter.

mountains fall over me

We just got back from a business trip to Yosemite today. This was the third time we've done this trip in four years. Its hard to put into words how inspiring it is, surrounded by these huge walls of granite, cradled in forests and beautiful meadows, full of ponds and waterfalls. It is a place full of awe. For the first time we walked to the bottom of Yosemite Falls. From afar it looks so delicate but up close it is violent and overwhelming. You can hardly look at it for more than a few seconds because the force of the water falling creates a wind that literally takes your breath away.

I couldn't help but feel like when I was there I was in the hand of God. Something so beautiful and fragile, but overwhelming and impervious. At any moment I felt like I could be crushed under the weight of it all. Like the gigantic walls of granite would fall around me, squeezing the inconsequential life out of me. But at the same time I felt so alive being there. It seems like there is something liberating about letting go of control and trusting. God is wild and cannot be tamed. I think I'm learning that truth and it is both terrible and wonderful. He is here and cannot be contained.

I think I need to learn to receive love. I am tired of being so self-conscious. I'm tired of feeling regretful and stupid. I want to be full and free, able to love others without considering what love I need. I can't imagine how liberating that would be.

what is this great gravity

Bloggin is one of those things that seems so cool, but when it comes to practice, is so difficult. Anyways, I don't have much more to say about that.

Things have been fair as of late. Unfortunately, everyone is getting sick, including my lovely wife who has been sick for the last 7 days. I think that she had a regular cold that turned into a bit of bronchitis. The incessant coughing is hard on her poor, fragile self. Its also causing us both to have trouble sleeping. I wish it were me that was sick. I don't mind it so much and seem to handle it better in general. But I suppose that's not possible. So not much I can do there.

Poker's been going ok. Just getting used to the swings is trying as times. Its only going to get worse as well as I move up in the stakes. All the while I have to step back and ask myself, is this really what I want?

I am such a self-conscious person, it drives me nuts. So much of the time I just exist without any exertion of myself because either I'm lazy, or more commonly, I am so worried about what other people think. You watch shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm where the lead character, Larry David, is made out to be a bit of an asshole, primarily because he always tends to just say what he really wants to say. Granted, what he wants to say is enough to make him an asshole, but I wonder what would happen if I went around just saying what I really wanted or thought. Does tact make you less of a person? I doubt it, but its worth considering.

we're not using wild fire on lady liberty

Hello world. Yesterday was a bad day. Here's a good/bad list to help you see why.

Good list
I have an awesome wife and I got to be with her.
We had a yummy dinner of Panda Express.
We watched more episodes of the first season of 30 Rock, which Catherine got me for Easter.

Bad list
I had a horrible poker day, losing $750 on the day, the second worse online one-day loss I've had.
My dog Amelia ate my new Toms shoes.
We drove all the way to TJ Max to buy this rug we wanted only to find that it had been sold (this is the second time in two days that we've driven out to TJ Max to no avail).
Even though we got Panda, we wanted Alamo Palace which is just the best food ever.

So, as you can see, there are three things on the good list and four things on the bad list. Clearly four is more than three. Therefore yesterday can be classified as a bad day.

Fat Cat on the Fridge

Lately I've become infused with a sense of...how shall I put this...um...perhaps flair? I don't know the word, but basically I realized that it seems like I've been living a plain life for some time, which isn't bad, because my plain life is good. But after a while I start to wonder if perhaps living plainly makes me miss some things that would enhance my life. So, in order to combat this plainness, I've been trying to do more fun, adventurous things (I use that word very loosely). For example, on Friday Catherine and I drove all the way up to Sacramento to go see a rock show, featuring Norma Jean. It was a really fun show overall. The venue was all ages and most of the bands playing were of the screamo variety, which is popular with the kids, so there were a lot of silly, awkward kids there. But it was fun none the less. Norma Jean definitely put on a good show.

In other news, while teaching a class on Thursday I received an instant message from Aaron "WiltOnTilt" Wilt, who is the coach of my poker coach, and a really nice guy. He asked me if I'd like to be in a poker video on Deucescracked.com with him. I was pretty excited about this, seeing as how this means that hundreds to thousands of poker players will be reviewing my play, listening to my thoughts, and hopefully learning what to or what not to do. So I recorded a session of me playing 4 tables of 200nl (not my normal stake) and we then recorded the two of us watching the session and discussing my plays. If anyone's interested in watching here's the link. You have to be a DC member I think, but they probably still have the promotion where you can sign up for 7 days free or something, if you just want to watch the one video. Or just contact me and I may be able to help you out.

I've realized lately how much I've missed in my life because of shyness and self-conciousness. It reminds me of something my dad told me call the Abilene Paradox. Two best friends from high school and college went their own ways after school. One moved to New York and became very successful and the other stayed in Abilene, and while he was not as successful as his city friend, he made a decent living. After years of not seeing each other the friend in New York plans a trip to go see his long lost buddy. He flies to Abilene and the two friends meet after many years. They go out to a field on a clear, beautiful night where you can see millions of stars and just talk and enjoy the view. After a short while though the Abilene friend thinks to himself "I'm really enjoying this, but this guy is used to the fast paced life of New York, he's probably getting bored". So he says to his friend "hey, why don't we go out to a bar or go see a movie or something?" His New York friend thinks to himself "I'm really enjoying this peace and quiet and catching up with my buddy, but he probably gets to see this view all the time, so he's probably sick of it" and he agrees to go out on the town. In the end neither friend does what they really want to do because neither one had the guts to speak up. I wonder how different my life would be if I remembered that.

Well, color me white

This weekend my father and I painted some more of our bedroom. The first time we painted the walls and it wasn't so bad. This time we painted the ceiling and trim and I got covered in paint. the first time we painted I didn't mind it at all. This time it wasn't so fun. Oh well. The room looks pretty good though. I can't wait until we get the rest of the house painted. Its going to look so nice.

March is coming to an end and boy was it a swingy month for poker. I've played almost 30,000 hands of poker online this month. I started the month by being hit with the boomswitch, meaning I couldn't lose a pot. In the first 10,000 hands I won $1400 at 100nl. However, the next 10,000 hands things didn't go so well. I not only lost back everything I won, but I also lost an additional $600. The last 10,000 hands things have mostly turned around, somewhat back to normal and now I'm up about $400 on the month, which isn't that impressive, but after a rough month I'm happy for the win. According to my new poker tracking software I should be up over $1000, so its pretty clear I've had the shit kicked out of me. But wow, a $2k swing in one month. Crazy stuff. Now, hopefully, on to winning.

In other news, I was able to basically set up my guitar amp and play a little rock and roll the other day. My amp needs some repairs because the clean channel isn't working. But at least it still works. It felt good to play some real music after only playing Rock Band for so long. I look forward to playing more and more. Amen.

I started school last week. The first class I have to take is just a general class about coming back to school and how to study and set goals and crap like that. Seriously, it is a huge waste of time overall. I may be able to pull a few nuggets out of it, but as of right now its just annoying. Oh well, only a few more weeks of this then its on to my real courses. Hopefully those won't be as inane.

try the veal

So I'm sick as a dog (are dogs really sick? where did that phrase come from?). I haven't been sick is a while and this especially was a little brutal for a few hours. However, I'm starting to come out of it now, no small thanks to my precious wife. Now we're just sitting in the bed watching The Godfather, a classic, classic movie, while Catherine reads gossip things on the internet. Relaxing. Peaceful.

I finally broke down and set up Microsoft Windows on my computer so I could run Holdem Manager, a software program that tracks online poker play to the gnats behind (I think I understand that phrase). This program will let me know how often I do everything, and how often my opponents do everything. All this so I can locate "leaks" or poor play in my game and my opponents games that make me lose money. I will plug my leaks and I will exploit the leaks of my opponents. This is really just a long winded way to say that this new program will make me a poker ninja. So watch out bitches!

Right before I got this program though I had my worst single day downswing ever. I lost 9 and half buy ins at 100nl. Which, for those who don't know, means I lost $950. Pretty brutal, but I went over the hand histories of the big pots with my poker coach and all the big losses were standard hands, nothing I could do. I was surprised at how not utterly pissed off I was at the time. It was frustrating, mind you, but not devastating. This is why we have poker bankrolls that are sufficient for the game you're playing. Swizzle dizzle.

Enough pish posh. Time for rest.

ps. a guy online called me "fils de pute". I love this game.