nadurra

Oh how the world changes

2009-07-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not blogging as much any more. For more info you can find me on twitter.

mountains fall over me

2009-05-12T22:58:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a business trip to Yosemite today. This was the third time we've done this trip in four years. Its hard to put into words how inspiring it is, surrounded by these huge walls of granite, cradled in forests and beautiful meadows, full of ponds and waterfalls. It is a place full of awe. For the first time we walked to the bottom of Yosemite Falls. From afar it looks so delicate but up close it is violent and overwhelming. You can hardly look at it for more than a few seconds because the force of the water falling creates a wind that literally takes your breath away.

I couldn't help but feel like when I was there I was in the hand of God. Something so beautiful and fragile, but overwhelming and impervious. At any moment I felt like I could be crushed under the weight of it all. Like the gigantic walls of granite would fall around me, squeezing the inconsequential life out of me. But at the same time I felt so alive being there. It seems like there is something liberating about letting go of control and trusting. God is wild and cannot be tamed. I think I'm learning that truth and it is both terrible and wonderful. He is here and cannot be contained.

I think I need to learn to receive love. I am tired of being so self-conscious. I'm tired of feeling regretful and stupid. I want to be full and free, able to love others without considering what love I need. I can't imagine how liberating that would be.

what is this great gravity

2009-04-27T11:18:00.000-07:00

Bloggin is one of those things that seems so cool, but when it comes to practice, is so difficult. Anyways, I don't have much more to say about that.

Things have been fair as of late. Unfortunately, everyone is getting sick, including my lovely wife who has been sick for the last 7 days. I think that she had a regular cold that turned into a bit of bronchitis. The incessant coughing is hard on her poor, fragile self. Its also causing us both to have trouble sleeping. I wish it were me that was sick. I don't mind it so much and seem to handle it better in general. But I suppose that's not possible. So not much I can do there.

Poker's been going ok. Just getting used to the swings is trying as times. Its only going to get worse as well as I move up in the stakes. All the while I have to step back and ask myself, is this really what I want?

I am such a self-conscious person, it drives me nuts. So much of the time I just exist without any exertion of myself because either I'm lazy, or more commonly, I am so worried about what other people think. You watch shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm where the lead character, Larry David, is made out to be a bit of an asshole, primarily because he always tends to just say what he really wants to say. Granted, what he wants to say is enough to make him an asshole, but I wonder what would happen if I went around just saying what I really wanted or thought. Does tact make you less of a person? I doubt it, but its worth considering.

we're not using wild fire on lady liberty

2009-04-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hello world. Yesterday was a bad day. Here's a good/bad list to help you see why.

Good list
I have an awesome wife and I got to be with her.
We had a yummy dinner of Panda Express.
We watched more episodes of the first season of 30 Rock, which Catherine got me for Easter.

Bad list
I had a horrible poker day, losing $750 on the day, the second worse online one-day loss I've had.
My dog Amelia ate my new Toms shoes.
We drove all the way to TJ Max to buy this rug we wanted only to find that it had been sold (this is the second time in two days that we've driven out to TJ Max to no avail).
Even though we got Panda, we wanted Alamo Palace which is just the best food ever.

So, as you can see, there are three things on the good list and four things on the bad list. Clearly four is more than three. Therefore yesterday can be classified as a bad day.

Fat Cat on the Fridge

2009-04-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

Lately I've become infused with a sense of...how shall I put this...um...perhaps flair? I don't know the word, but basically I realized that it seems like I've been living a plain life for some time, which isn't bad, because my plain life is good. But after a while I start to wonder if perhaps living plainly makes me miss some things that would enhance my life. So, in order to combat this plainness, I've been trying to do more fun, adventurous things (I use that word very loosely). For example, on Friday Catherine and I drove all the way up to Sacramento to go see a rock show, featuring Norma Jean. It was a really fun show overall. The venue was all ages and most of the bands playing were of the screamo variety, which is popular with the kids, so there were a lot of silly, awkward kids there. But it was fun none the less. Norma Jean definitely put on a good show.

In other news, while teaching a class on Thursday I received an instant message from Aaron "WiltOnTilt" Wilt, who is the coach of my poker coach, and a really nice guy. He asked me if I'd like to be in a poker video on Deucescracked.com with him. I was pretty excited about this, seeing as how this means that hundreds to thousands of poker players will be reviewing my play, listening to my thoughts, and hopefully learning what to or what not to do. So I recorded a session of me playing 4 tables of 200nl (not my normal stake) and we then recorded the two of us watching the session and discussing my plays. If anyone's interested in watching here's the link. You have to be a DC member I think, but they probably still have the promotion where you can sign up for 7 days free or something, if you just want to watch the one video. Or just contact me and I may be able to help you out.

I've realized lately how much I've missed in my life because of shyness and self-conciousness. It reminds me of something my dad told me call the Abilene Paradox. Two best friends from high school and college went their own ways after school. One moved to New York and became very successful and the other stayed in Abilene, and while he was not as successful as his city friend, he made a decent living. After years of not seeing each other the friend in New York plans a trip to go see his long lost buddy. He flies to Abilene and the two friends meet after many years. They go out to a field on a clear, beautiful night where you can see millions of stars and just talk and enjoy the view. After a short while though the Abilene friend thinks to himself "I'm really enjoying this, but this guy is used to the fast paced life of New York, he's probably getting bored". So he says to his friend "hey, why don't we go out to a bar or go see a movie or something?" His New York friend thinks to himself "I'm really enjoying this peace and quiet and catching up with my buddy, but he probably gets to see this view all the time, so he's probably sick of it" and he agrees to go out on the town. In the end neither friend does what they really want to do because neither one had the guts to speak up. I wonder how different my life would be if I remembered that.

Well, color me white

2009-03-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

This weekend my father and I painted some more of our bedroom. The first time we painted the walls and it wasn't so bad. This time we painted the ceiling and trim and I got covered in paint. the first time we painted I didn't mind it at all. This time it wasn't so fun. Oh well. The room looks pretty good though. I can't wait until we get the rest of the house painted. Its going to look so nice.

March is coming to an end and boy was it a swingy month for poker. I've played almost 30,000 hands of poker online this month. I started the month by being hit with the boomswitch, meaning I couldn't lose a pot. In the first 10,000 hands I won $1400 at 100nl. However, the next 10,000 hands things didn't go so well. I not only lost back everything I won, but I also lost an additional $600. The last 10,000 hands things have mostly turned around, somewhat back to normal and now I'm up about $400 on the month, which isn't that impressive, but after a rough month I'm happy for the win. According to my new poker tracking software I should be up over $1000, so its pretty clear I've had the shit kicked out of me. But wow, a $2k swing in one month. Crazy stuff. Now, hopefully, on to winning.

In other news, I was able to basically set up my guitar amp and play a little rock and roll the other day. My amp needs some repairs because the clean channel isn't working. But at least it still works. It felt good to play some real music after only playing Rock Band for so long. I look forward to playing more and more. Amen.

I started school last week. The first class I have to take is just a general class about coming back to school and how to study and set goals and crap like that. Seriously, it is a huge waste of time overall. I may be able to pull a few nuggets out of it, but as of right now its just annoying. Oh well, only a few more weeks of this then its on to my real courses. Hopefully those won't be as inane.

try the veal

2009-03-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

So I'm sick as a dog (are dogs really sick? where did that phrase come from?). I haven't been sick is a while and this especially was a little brutal for a few hours. However, I'm starting to come out of it now, no small thanks to my precious wife. Now we're just sitting in the bed watching The Godfather, a classic, classic movie, while Catherine reads gossip things on the internet. Relaxing. Peaceful.

I finally broke down and set up Microsoft Windows on my computer so I could run Holdem Manager, a software program that tracks online poker play to the gnats behind (I think I understand that phrase). This program will let me know how often I do everything, and how often my opponents do everything. All this so I can locate "leaks" or poor play in my game and my opponents games that make me lose money. I will plug my leaks and I will exploit the leaks of my opponents. This is really just a long winded way to say that this new program will make me a poker ninja. So watch out bitches!

Right before I got this program though I had my worst single day downswing ever. I lost 9 and half buy ins at 100nl. Which, for those who don't know, means I lost $950. Pretty brutal, but I went over the hand histories of the big pots with my poker coach and all the big losses were standard hands, nothing I could do. I was surprised at how not utterly pissed off I was at the time. It was frustrating, mind you, but not devastating. This is why we have poker bankrolls that are sufficient for the game you're playing. Swizzle dizzle.

Enough pish posh. Time for rest.

ps. a guy online called me "fils de pute". I love this game.

garfunkeling

2009-03-03T07:03:00.000-08:00

I miss my old friend Ben Heywood. I used to be so intimidated by him when we first met because he was so damn cool. As I got to know him though I found him to be a great friend. Since I've moved back up to Northern California from Pasadena we haven't kept in touch and I regret that.

One thing I remember that Ben taught me was to always consider the "why" when you write something. I was speaking with him about a paper I was writing for a college course I was taking and he told me that the best thing he learned about writing was to ask why someone would want to read what you're writing, what's the point. That's something to consider when writing my blogs. Note to self: some people read this thing, which is a good thing. Why would they want to keep reading?

I used to keep good records of all of my poker playing, both live and online. I found that tedious and it was difficult, using the system I used, to differentiate between my live results, which tended to be larger swings, versus my online results, which had smaller swings. Now I just use a poker software program to help me keep track of my online results only, and it does an excellent job of that.

One thing I noticed while reviewing my results is the effect variance can have on short term results. Variance, in the manner in which I'm using it, is a statistics term. Technically it means "a quantity equal to the square of the standard deviation". Most of us don't know what that means, and even if we did it might not be useful. Perhaps a better definition is "the difference between actual and expected costs, profits, output, etc., in a statistical analysis". What this means is that sometimes your actual results, in poker specifically, especially in the short term, are sometimes different than your expected results. Take a look at the following graph:

This is a graph of a very swing-y time in my poker playing. Its over a period of about 18,000 hands, which is the equivalent of about 3 months of live poker playing.

Now look at this graph:

This is my overall graph as of yesterday. You'll see the sample of the first graph in the center. Notice how the huge peaks and valleys of the first graph seem more tame in the second one. This is variance. In the short term the swings are larger, because variance has more of an effect. But in the longer term variance has less of an impact and the truth comes out. In this case its clear that this is the graph of a winning player, whereas the first graph was unclear.

So what's the point? A brag post, obviously.

No. Poker is like life. Variance affects us all. Sometimes, in the moment, all we see is the negative, the reasons why what we're doing won't work, the excuses why we are failures. But when you push through the negative and look at the larger picture I think we'll see the truth. Now, variance works both ways. Sometimes success falls like manna from heaven, but that doesn't mean it was deserved. In poker we say that you're running "above expectation". The big picture tells the truth, in either case. So perhaps we should focus not on short term results, but on what we're doing to produce results. If what we're doing is the right thing the results shouldn't matter, because, in the long run, our output will match our input.

This reminds me of something else that Ben taught me. Sad times are usually consciously experienced in the moment, whereas happy times are usually consciously experienced in retrospect. Its easy to identify when we're down, but not as easy to identify when we're happy, in the moment. What if we changed that? What if we tried to focus on identifying the happy times while we're living them? Maybe we'd learn to savor those times in the moment and make them last.

CSP

2009-02-28T07:51:00.000-08:00

so i've already achieved one of my new years resolutions. yesterday i took a 4 and half hour long test in order to qualify me as a Certified Safety Professional. the certification is basically to the safety profession what a certified professional accountant (CPA) is to the accounting industry. needless to say, i'm kind of a big deal now. the test was grueling though. 10 questions into it i had the sinking feeling that is associated with all of my confidence being flushed down the toilet. alas, i pressed on and, ultimately, pervailed. i believe it was the great philospher kant who described it best when he said "boo yah".

now i'm just sitting on my bed on saturday morning (i can never really sleep in anymore), listening to my dogs play, making sounds like chewbacca (the dogs, not me). our new dog, amelia, is coming along nicely. she's rather well behaved for a pup and very sweet. isabelle, our other dog, just adores her. so that's going nicely.

today, we have another day of working on the house in store for us. we are rapidly approaching the day when we can start painting, which will be oh so nice and really make this place seem like our own. i also expect to hear on my tax return soon. hopefully we just get oodles and oodles of money that we can put into the house and maybe we'll have this thing in shape faster than the biggest loser.

in other news: i'm addicted to rock band. and i miss dexter.

if you're excited for the watchmen coming out in one week, raise your hand. *hand up*

things that poker has given me

2009-02-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

I always talk about how bad I'm doing in poker but I rarely share what my poker winnings have allowed me to purchase over the tenure of my poker playing life. So, without further adieu, here's a short list of the things that I can remember that poker has bought for me:

My dog Amelia and possibly Isabelle, although I can't remember for sure.
All of my tattoos that I've paid for (the two on the back of my arm I got for free while on tour).
All of Catherine's tattoos.
Rock Band 2 (just got it yesterday).
Quite a few bottles of whiskey.
We've used our poker bankroll to get us out of some financial binds before. Can't remember specifics.
Numerous articles of clothing for my lovely wife.

That's all I can remember, although there's probably more. If I had to guess I'd say that I've bought upwards of $5k worth of things using my poker money. So, when I complain about losing a few hundred here and there (like I did yesterday), its good to keep in perspective.

vegas days 3, 4, and home

2009-02-15T18:23:00.000-08:00

So I didn't get a chance to blog about the other days in Vegas, which is fine I think because not too much happened. I didn't run very well this trip and I also didn't play my "A" game a lot, but Catherine did well and more than made up for it, so we left up $300. Last night, we decided to have our Valentines dinner at BLT Burgers at the Mirage, which has some great food and these spiked milkshakes which are, um, fucking amazing. Afterwards we just decided to gamble up a little and play some casino games. I played literally two hands of blackjack before I lost my portion of the money. Catherine was able to turn $40 into $100 in video poker after getting dealt quad 3's on a quarter machine, which was sweet.

Overall, it was a fun trip. The interesting thing about this trip that we'll remember is the people we met. First, Jared, Aaron, and the Doc, in addition to Puke Green Sweater, the guy I talked about on the day 1 blog. Then the next day we sat next to Crack Head McGee. Day 3 we were introduced to this bald real estate appraiser who was very nice, terrible at poker, and very, very annoying. Plus he ran like god and couldn't lose, which was terribly annoying. Finally on the last day I sat at a table at the Rio and noticed that the gentleman in seat was the actor who plays Angel Batista from the show Dexter. He was a really cool guy, but didn't stay long, as he had to play in the daily tournament (or he was just freaked out by me and found and excuse to leave). Its ok though because we were left with this vindictive bitch of a lady who sat next to us who called me a "fucker" when I beat her out of a pot, and then sat out to miss her big blind just so Catherine and I couldn't play one more hand before we left. All this after I stood up for her earlier when another player started berating her. Its ok, she was obviously an idiot, studying scientology at the table, talking with another player about how she will get tax breaks because the FBI and CIA know that Scientology are true and how she prefers MSNBC because they support Obama and that makes them not biased. Brilliant.

Anyways, its good to be home. Our dogs are oh so tired after a fun time with the crazy bulldog winifred. Now we're all just relaxing, watching the NBA All Star game, and waiting for our yummy pizza to arrive.

vegas day 2

2009-02-13T15:29:00.000-08:00

Our second day in vegas started with me heading sleepily to my seminar. Nothing really interesting to report on that. Its basically just a review of the same material, although a little more in depth, that I learned studying for my last certification. After the class I headed back to see my lovely lady and we went down to have a burger dinner at a restaurant in the Rio. Afterwards we headed to the poker room to play some cards and crush some donkeys. Started off good, taking a donkey to value town with ak vs kq on a king high board. He gave me all of his chips. Then just kind of chipped up until I hit kind of a rough hand that I probably shouldn't have been in. Left the night down slightly. However Catherine hit the boom switch and left way up, so we're up quite a bit on the trip, which is nice.

We had fun playing though because we were both a little more relaxed than we normally are. I don't normally drink when I play, but we decided to partake, just to relax a bit. Interestingly enough, Vegas has cut way down on the liquor they provide. The best bourbon they would get us was Wild Turkey. The next best was Jim Beam. Kind of depressing. Alas, Wild Turkey makes some good bourbon and ginger ales, so our thirst did not go unquenched.

We also sat next to Crack Head McGee for a while. This guy was a total freak, moving erratically, speaking non-sense. And of course he sat next to me, which scared the bejunky out of me because I just knew I'd crack his aces or some stupid hand and he'd freak out on me and in the ensuing melee I'd end up with the AIDS for something like that. Luckily though Catherine busted him and he left without incident.

We didn't stay extremely long, just about 3 or 4 hours, as I was pretty tired. So we grabbed some waters and a small ice cream to share and went up for an early night. Not a bad second day.

vegas day 1

2009-02-12T12:41:00.001-08:00

Or, I guess, technically it was Night 1, not Day 1. Anyways, yesterday, after teaching a difficult class in the afternoon, Catherine and I hopped on an evening flight to Las Vegas. The main reason for going is that I'm taking a class in order to prep me for a certification test, the Certified Safety Professional certification. Its kind of a big deal in the safety world, so, it stands to reason, that once I finish this class and take and pass the subsequent test I will be kind of a big deal...in the safety world.

Anyways, the travel experience was super easy and fast. The airports were both very slow so we got on our plane quickly, landed early, got our luggage fast, and didn't even have to wait in line for a cab. We got to the Rio, checked in and then went up to our room for a bit to drop off the luggage and freshen up before going out. My poker coach, randomly, scheduled a trip to Vegas with a couple of his friends, so we decided to hook up after we got in. We got a hold of them and decided to head to the Bellagio to go play some poker. Luckily we all were able to get a table together (5 people) all in a row at the same 1/2 no limit game. It was a lot of fun just drinking, laughing, playing cards, playing the 7-2 game (well, only Catherine played the 7-2 game, the rest of us just paid her for it), and picking on the drunk guy at the table. They even invited me to come out and stay at their house that they are renting during the World Series of Poker for a weekend, which was really cool and an honor.

So the night was a lot of fun, but as a result we ended up staying up a little bit too late, which I'm paying the price for this morning, as I am working on only 4 hours of sleep at this point. Which isn't too bad I guess, but I'm still pretty darn tired. Tonight, once I get out of the class, Catherine and I plan on having a burger dinner and then playing some cards. Our bankroll is really short, so we're going to have to avoid some bad luck in order to not go broke. But I'm not too worried about that. We're definitely big favorites not to go broke, and, even if we do, we can just relax together and have fun and what not. I'm excited to be with her regardless.

all god's children

2009-02-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

Another morning starts and I'm sitting here listening to the girls (my dogs) growl and flail in mortal, loving combat with each other while my true love sleeps by my side. So much has happened over the last two weeks, I don't even think I could recount it all in one sitting. Some good, some bad. Some profound, some relatively meaningless.

First off, my grandma passed a week ago. We knew it was coming, but I don't imagine its something that could ever be routine or expected enough to not affect you. To be honest, I knew her, but I didn't know her. We hadn't spoken in a few years, and that's unfortunate. But there's nothing I can do about that now.

We had the funeral service on Wednesday, which was fine. I really dislike funerals. Except for the obvious reasons, I don't like the obligatory nature. People do things because that's what you're supposed to do. Everyone becomes so emotional and instinctual. We come together and pretend to be close to family members that we haven't seen since the last funeral. And we all love each other dearly. Why? Because that is what is expected of family members. Then we must stand a certain way, dress a certain way, and talk a certain way. Why? Because that's what one does at funerals. I wish people would set aside useless traditions, including loving people because it is expected that you will. I wish we would react thoughtfully and deliberately in these situations, to find our truth of our relationships with the departed and those who gather to mourn their passing and celebrate their lives. And when I take over the world I'm going to mandate that this be the case.

We went and saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night. It was a charming and compelling movie that really teaches you to check your perspective and try to see what's important. I definitely recommend it. Its a shame that a movie is needed to remind us (me) of truths that we (I) believe to be almost common sense, but, alas, that is what is and I can only make do.

more later.

how great

2009-02-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty tired of government bullshit. Listening to how messed up the California state budget is, all this craziness in the Federal government with the stimulus and what not, its frustrating. I understand, I think better than most, that our government was specifically designed to not be efficient, because efficient governments tend to be tyrannical governments. Its just so interesting watching the news while at the same time reading a biography of John Adams. Learning about his vision for our country and the ideals of the other founders, I wonder what he'd say about the state of our government today. And this isn't to suggest that he would necessarily be disgusted, but I just wonder if he'd say that it is our circumstances bearing down on us, or our own foolishness and greed. I just don't understand why everyone, including me, has such a myopic view of life. All we see is our problems, or desires, and we don't see how we all need to sacrifice for the common good. Liberty doesn't work when the free, whether due to malice or misunderstanding, fail to see the greater good of country because of their own immediate needs. I have no solutions, unfortunately, so I suppose that I can't voice my objections too loudly. I just hope that we see some John Adams and Thomas Jeffersons soon otherwise their sacrifice for this great experiment may have been in vain.

Now, one thing I will say is that if my personal policy, the legalization and regulation of online poker, were enacted not only would it not be a negative for the country, it would be a positive. Studies have shown that a regulated and taxed online poker would put billions into the federal coffers every year. Why isn't this happening? Support this.

Probably have more to say but I have to go now.

im thinking of what sarah said

2009-01-28T14:39:00.000-08:00

While teaching my class today I was interrupted by my mother who informed me that my Grandmother may not survive the day. She had been sick for quite some time and we knew that it was only a matter of time, but we didn't think it would be so soon (I suppose one never does).

Luckily I was able to find a replacement instructor to teach the second half of the class and I went off to pick up my wife and head for the hospital. I hate hospitals, especially this one. This is the hospital that seems to only herald loss. Regardless, this is where we are, discussing how she will be kept alive until more family can come to say goodbye. How morbid and strange. I'm not really sure how to take it all in.

ghey

2009-01-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

So my poker coach is raising his rates. They are essentially doubling, which is a little problematic, because I'm running like shit already, and even if I was running normal the cost of the lessons would make it nearly impossible to pay for them from my bankroll alone, as I have been doing. So I've made a goal for myself to get back up to 100nl by March 1, when the rates go up. To do that I've got to put in a lot of hands. My goal is to play 30,000 hands of poker by the end of February. Its doable, although it will be difficult. Its been pretty rough so far because I just can't seem to put together a cohesive win streak. Its only a matter of time though, I'm sure.

Tomorrow we head to Denver for Cate's brother's wedding. This will be a lot of things...good is not likely to be one of them.

are we human

2009-01-13T11:56:00.001-08:00

First off, as an aside, I'm loving the new Killers record. It wasn't much at first but has attached itself to my senses and forced me into submission. Now I must surrender and admit, I really like that damn record.

Its amazing how something as silly as Facebook has forced me to interact with people I haven't talked to in ages. I can honestly say that I miss them all. One of the things I'm learning is that not only do I fail at keeping in contact with people, but I largely suck at friendships. I'm working on being better, but that all takes time. I think my problem is that I like people, but I get really awkward being around them. I think that means I'm mentally unstable or something.

I'm feeling rather random today. That, unfortunately, is not the appropriate state of mind for preparing a proposal for a huge government contract. If you were with me right now this is where you would hear me sigh.

I was going to say something else but forgot. Stupid brain...

Ah ha! I remembered! So I played a short heads up match online yesterday and won a significant amount, which was good. However, I don't feel like I played very well and it really upset me. Who cares right? But the thing that was so weird is that after this long downswing, booking a nice two buyin win should be really awesome right? But the fact that I won it by playing what I suspect was bad poker annoys me and poisons the win. Even though that seems silly and perhaps bad, I can't help but feel that perhaps that's a good thing.

i need a dead owl

2009-01-07T08:52:00.000-08:00

I don't know if its my nature or if its because I'm slightly A.D.D., but I just love how little things can distract me and make me happy. Here's the three little things that give me a jovial disposition this morning:

I found and downloaded old songs from the band Twin Sister. They were an old alt/funk band that I listened too in high school. All they sing about is Star Wars. So awesome.
My poker tracking software, Poker Co-Pilot (the ONLY tracking software for Macs) just added a c-bet frequency stat to their HUD. Most people reading this won't know what that means, but, basically, it means profit for me.
I was listening to the new Ricky Gervais podcasts/audiobooks. Brilliant and funny. Amen.

All this adds up to a happy me this morning.

holiday remnants

2009-01-06T11:20:00.000-08:00

I hate the week or so after the holidays where people still have their decorations up, and some stores still have Christmas music. I don't really know what it is, but as soon as the holidays are done, I just want to get it all out of the way. It just feels so cheap. I'm ready to start the new year, why isn't everyone else damn it?!

Things are coming back to reality overall though. The holiday's are over, we're all moved into the house, the extra money we had to fix up the house is basically dried up, and I'm going back to work regularly. Its really weird for some reason. I just feel so out of touch. Its hard to get motivated to do my work when I have these pressing issues on my mind. I just need to adjust I guess.

In other news, I got a Star Wars game for Christmas, which is a lot of fun. I'm all excited about Star Wars now and want to watch all the movies again. I haven't seen the new cartoon one though. Not sure if I'm interested or not.

We also just finished reading The Watchmen. It was very good and thought provoking. I strongly recommend reading it for everyone really. It was one of the first books to show super heroes as "human" and not so black and white, at least in my uninformed opinion.

baby new year

2009-01-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

So its time for the obligatory end of the year recap/new year resolution blog. Every year we all make lists it seems like. We put things into categories that help us easily analyze our life. I remember one time Catherine and I were making a list and we accidentally called the list a "box", which is fitting. We like to keep memories in simple, easy-to-understand boxes that help us easily categorize our lives. Obviously life is much more complex than a list of highlights and lowlights. I wonder if we miss something in ourselves and others by relying so much on summaries and briefs.

Still, pretty much no one out there was there with me throughout the year and I don't have time to write a book, so a blog of lists it is. Without further adieu....

2008 highlights:

Catherine has made some huge progress. She has her good days and bad days, but I can tell a big difference. She made some huge strides.
In line with that, Catherine and I have been married for 5 years now and we're still crazy in love. I still can't get enough of her.
Our house. We are officially home owners in one of the richest areas in America. I have no idea how it happened. One day we were content apartment renters, the next we were making an offer on a house. Then the story behind it just seemed to confirm that there is more to this than random chance. Every once in a while God seems to force his way into your life, despite your own desires, and make himself known. I can't help but think that this house is a promise. I feel like he's letting us know that he's taking care of us and he still loves us, even if we aren't acknowledging him.
The Gantt family grew this year with the addition of little Samuel Gantt, my brother's new son. He's a cute little pudgie thing.
Since I started getting serious about poker I have wanted a coach or mentor to help me grow as a player and weather the ebb and flow of variance. I finally found one through Deucescracked. I started having regular coaching sessions with Jared Kenworthy (jk3a) back in September I think and, while it is expensive, it is worth every penny. I have grown so much as a player and technically the lessons have paid for themselves. After the first couple of sessions I have paid for the sessions from my poker winnings. Ship it.
We discovered some great new tv shows like Dexter, Curb Your Ethusiasm, and 30 Rock that have quickly become all-time favorites.

2008 lowlights:

It was one of the toughest years of my life trying to care for Catherine. We both struggled so much almost every day to just ensure that she made it through each one. As a result, for much of the year we were in survival mode. Everything else took a back seat, even our relationship at times.
The economic slow down, while it hasn't affected us too much, has affected a lot of people, and is scary in a lot of ways. I am the type of person that is generally optimistic about things, so I believe it will turn around soon. But there is a part of me that sees the future as very uncertain overall.
It was a rough year for poker overall. The UIGEA regulations are beginning to be implemented, the World Poker Tour is declining, the cheating scandals at Ultimate Bet and Absolute Poker being exposed and subsequently being highlighted by the 60 Minutes show, which also painted online poker is such a negative light in general. The list goes on. There is some hope that with the Obama administration we can get the UIGEA overturned and legitimize online poker, but even that is just a hope at this point. What really happens remains to be seen.

And, finally, the resolutions for 2009:

Get Catherine better.
Get back to church, in some way and spend real time with God as much as possible.
Take Catherine on more dates.
Read more books and finish the ones I've started.
Become a winning 100nl player and begin to take shots at 200nl.
Play in at least one WSOP event.
Play more guitar.
Fix up my house.
Eat healthier and exercise at least 4 times a week.
Start going back to school to finish my degree.
Get my CSP certification.
Be a more thoughtful, aware person.

movin on down

2008-12-30T09:54:00.000-08:00

So my bad run at 100nl continues (despite the awesomeness you saw below) and, due to bankroll requirements I'm forced now to move back down to 50nl in order to rebuild. What can you do? Its just frustrating because I made a goal to be playing 100nl by the end of the year and now that the year is coming to a close I have to temporarily admit defeat and move down. Lame.

ship the boomsauce

2008-12-29T09:04:00.001-08:00

Full Tilt Poker Game #9747794469: Table Gunn (deep 6) - $0.50/$1 - No Limit Hold'em - 11:59:58 ET - 2008/12/29
Seat 1: linkwood ($183.70)
Seat 2: xJames_30 ($165)
Seat 3: Trent Wynne ($303.25)
Seat 4: Just Lukk ($70.75)
Seat 5: wolgaster82 ($124.45)
Seat 6: j effin money ($420.10)
linkwood posts the small blind of $0.50
xJames_30 posts the big blind of $1
The button is in seat #6
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to linkwood [As Jd]
Trent Wynne folds
Just Lukk folds
wolgaster82 calls $1
j effin money folds
linkwood raises to $6
xJames_30 folds
wolgaster82 raises to $11
linkwood calls $5
*** FLOP *** [9h Qc Qd]
linkwood checks
wolgaster82 bets $10
linkwood calls $10
*** TURN *** [9h Qc Qd] [6c]
linkwood checks
wolgaster82 bets $13
linkwood calls $13
*** RIVER *** [9h Qc Qd 6c] [3h]
linkwood checks
wolgaster82 has 15 seconds left to act
wolgaster82 bets $90.45, and is all in
linkwood has 15 seconds left to act
linkwood has requested TIME
linkwood calls $90.45
*** SHOW DOWN ***
wolgaster82 shows [Js Kc] a pair of Queens
linkwood shows [As Jd] a pair of Queens
linkwood wins the pot ($246.90) with a pair of Queens
wolgaster82 is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $249.90 | Rake $3
Board: [9h Qc Qd 6c 3h]
Seat 1: linkwood (small blind) showed [As Jd] and won ($246.90) with a pair of Queens
Seat 2: xJames_30 (big blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 3: Trent Wynne didn't bet (folded)
Seat 4: Just Lukk didn't bet (folded)
Seat 5: wolgaster82 showed [Js Kc] and lost with a pair of Queens
Seat 6: j effin money (button) didn't bet (folded)

Sin City

2008-12-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

So we just got back from spending Christmas in the City of Sin, Las Vegas. Overall the trip was fun. I couldn't have come at a better time too, as both Catherine and I were exhausted from working on the house non-stop the previous week, with almost no end in site. So we were in need of an escape from reality. There are two places I know of that allow an almost total escape from reality: Disneyland and Las Vegas. So the trip was perfect in its timing. As far as spending Christmas in Vegas in general, it was good. I wouldn't say it was great, but I enjoyed it. Its definitely not something I want to do every year, but I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime to just mix it up.

Anyways, so we got there and our room was totally awesome. A suite, with two bathrooms and a tv that rises up right at the foot of the bed. That was pretty dope. Then, of course, after an excellent dinner at BLT Burgers (excellent burgers and spiked milkshakes. highly recommended), Catherine and I headed to the poker room. Day one I went up after crushing one poor gentleman's soul in two hands. One I floppped a flush against whatever he had, probalby an overpair with a flush draw, and the other I flopped top pair when he was steaming and he check raised me all in on the flop with whatever piece of cheese he had. I snap called and they shipped me the pot. Unfortunately Catherine was down a buy in after a guy overplayed a draw against her set and he got there. So day 1 we were slightly up.

Day 2 was mostly reserved for poker, so we headed down and signed up for the noon tournament. Out of 21 people, 3 were Gantts; Catherine, my dad, and I. So, honestly, we were favorites to take this shit down. And indeed, when they got down to one table, 10 left, all three of us were still in. Alas, Catherine and my dad went out 10th and 9th, so I was left to defend the family name. But due to the insanely bad structure of these low buy-in tournaments we were 5 handed with no one having over 20 big blinds. So it was a shove fest. I shoved in a race situation and lost, so I walked away in shame, cursing the donkaments. But after a little rest and a yummy dinner at Noodle Asia in the Venetian we went back for our vengence in the cash games. The poker gods had other plans though. Catherine was card dead and mostly just hovered around even, ending up about 150ish. I got crushed though. I had a lot of playable hands but either didn't get action when I had the best of it or got drawn out on. So, that night we left down overall on the trip 200 bucks.

Day 3 was Christmas eve and Catherine and I were out for blood and revenge. We started the day, however, by going down to Fremont Street, old town Las Vegas. It was really cool to see all the old casinos and notice the subtle differences between the old ones and the new ones. While walking through one of them I noticed that their slot machines take coins (none of the new ones do anymore) so I took the 3 quarters in my pocket and put them in one. Four pulls later I somehow managed to cash out (all in quarters) for $37! Not sure how that happened, but I couldn't help but feel it was a good sign.

After hanging out in old town for a bit and losing a little bit in the table games we headed back to the Mirage to stake our claim. This is when the boomsauce was starting to get passed, as I proceeded to just crush the game, playing 3 big pots really well and only losing one of them. Catherine, again, just hovered, not getting many cards, and ended up a little bit. Overall though we were up about 400 on the trip at this point.

We had to meet my folks for Christmas eve dinner though so we left our day session and enjoyed a great Mexican meal (a family tradition) at Treasure Island. I was out for more blood though, so we promptly returned after dinner. The only blood that was drawn was my own though. I lost two large pots in a row with KK and QQ and then proceeded to receive a disgusting beat. So a crazy old guy limps under the gun, a tight lady calls in middle position and I call in the cut off with Qd8d. The blinds check and we see a 5 way pot. The flop is Ad4d6h and crazy old guy bets out the minimum, which the tight lady calls. I decide to take the pot odds and just call. The blinds fold and the three of us see the lovely 7d on the turn, giving me the second best possible hand. Crazy old guy now leads out for 15, which tight lady again calls. I announce raise and put out 50. The dealer however was engrossed in conversation, didn't see my raise and proceeds to deal out the river card, which was the 7h (a good card for me overall). After realizing that I raised, it is ruled that the 7h will be placed back in the deck, the two players will have a chance to react to my raise while the dealer reshuffles the remaining deck, and after that we will deal a new river card. So the old guy calls my raise and the tight lady folds. The deck is reshuffled and a new river dealt, which is the ominous 2d. Now, I still basically have the second best possible hand, but I nearly puke when now the old man leads at me for 40. I make the crying call and, sure enough, he turns over Kd4c, showing the best possible hand. So, had the dealer seen my raise I would have won the pot without question. But since he didn't I lost a $190 pot. Needless to say I was less than pleased and we called it an early night that Christmas eve.

On Christmas morning, Day 4, Catherine and I woke up and opened the presents we got for each other. She got me some really cool stuff and seemed to be excited about the stuff I got her, so that was cool. Then we walked down the hall in our pjs to meet in my parent's suite (which was even more balla than ours) to have a family Christmas breakfast. My parents and sister all seemed to like the presents we got for them and while we waited for room service to deliver the food we sat around and asked questions from a book of "if" questions I got for my dad. It was a lot of fun hearing people's different answers to questions. It really was a special Christmas time that I think we'll all kind of cherish as a Christmas memory (or at least I will). Our breakfast came and it was oh so yummy. They even brought us too much champagne for the mimosas, so we have a little extra for New Years.

After breakfast, we went our separate ways, got cleaned up, and went down to go play some poker. I was really interested to see how Vegas was on Christmas day. We went down at around 10am and it was largely empty. But by noon it was packed. And sure enough, that evening it was extremely busy. When we stopped playing Christmas night, at around 1am almost every table was completely full. So we sat down and I wondered what Christmas presents Santa would have for me at this table, and he didn't disappoint. Once again the boomsauce was passed and this time I won every big pot I played. Catherine, again, wasn't getting much cards and was getting understandably frustrated, so we left early to grab a late lunch, so she could watch the Lakers/Celtic game and we could prepare for the evening festivities. Again though, we were way up.

That evening we joined my parents and were picked up by their friends to head to a mid-week Channukah celebration. It was...different. The food was a little bit too weird for my tastes, which made things awkward because none of us ate very much and there was a lot of food. But all in all, it was fun to see the different ways of celebrating the holiday. We lit the mannorah, and read traditional Jewish prayers, and the gentleman whose house we were at gave a great explanation of what Channukah means, how it is one of the first times in history a people fought expressly for the purpose of religious freedom, which made it kind of special.

After the party though it was back to the tables for one last go. Again though, my great day run was followed by a poor performance at night. I just couldn't get anything going, and bled a lot of chips. Catherine couldn't do much either, but again, she was up a little, so we called it a night and went up to our room. That would be our last bit of playing for the trip. After four days of playing we were up $600 and change. Not bad at all.

So it was a good Christmas. Not perfect, but special in its own way, and definitely memorable.

living with yourself

2008-12-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

Two posts in one day...I'm so chatty.

Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is how self-perception can blind you. All of us know people who we would consider to be assholes or idiots or something negative. My question is do they know that they are an asshole, or whatever? What did Adolf Hitler think of himself? Did he think that he was an evil person? I think that its fairly clear that he likely didn't think he was evil, but rather thought he was doing the right thing. In the same way, I believe that the people around us who are stupid or jerks or misguided at best have no idea that they are that way. They are simply making what they consider to be the best decision(s) as they face them.

So what does this mean? This means that we can be living our lives, thinking we are a good, intelligent person, but in reality be a complete moron or a complete asshole or whatever. Think about it, if you were an asshole how would you be able to tell (unless you had a good friend like Kevin to constantly remind you that you are one)?

All my life I've believed that I was a good, intelligent, hard working person. But how do I know that I am? I think that too often I rely on my own optimistic ego to cloud my self-perception without sufficient evidence. Recently though it has occurred to me that perhaps I am not as good of a person as I thought. I look back on things I've done or relationships I've lost that I've reasoned were inevitable or at least not my fault and now see how culpable I perhaps am. I look back at my intentions that I once thought to be above reproach and now see as stained with arrogance and selfishness.

The hard part is not only identifying that you are this way but also preventing it from happening again. Life rarely presents you with clear black and white choices. Over time entropy takes over parts of your life where I don't exert absolute control. Over time, without my direct effort, I become lazy, prideful, and self-serving, all the while cocooned by my false self-perceptions.

The only solution is to force myself to become the person I want to be. I can't just expect to be a good person unless I act like one. And acting like a good person means slowing down and considering each choice I make every day, in all moments and finding the choice that best fits with the person I want to become. Its too easy to shut down and run on instinct. But in order to avoid a life of mediocrity I have to maintain awareness. I need to focus on what I want and seize every opportunity to get myself there. Otherwise I will find myself constantly slipping away from who I want to be, and I will be the unaware asshole for my whole life, always wondering why things never work out the way I want them to.

Christmas in California

2008-12-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

So we finally got our keys to our house last night. We are officially home owners. I thought that once we got the keys I would feel like a home owner, but that's not the case. It all still feels weird and distant. Still, we're moving in now, over the course of the next few days actually. We have a lot of work to do on the house. The gentleman who was living there didn't really clean up the house and actually left a bunch of things behind. So we're sorting through it all to see what's useful and what's junk. Its all very exciting though.

We had our annual charity poker tournament. I predicted that this year I would go deep, and probably win, as I haven't done well in the past in these tournaments. I was right that I went deep, but didn't win. I was the chip leader throughout most of the tournament and went into four handed play (just in the money) as the chip leader. But four handed things started going against me and I predicted that I would be next out. I was right. Oh well. Kevin and Karen chopped up first and second place money to take the title. The evening was a success though. We were able to get almost $2000 to give to a needy family, or families, for Christmas. So we were really happy with how it went.

I've been running better at poker and have almost won back everything I've lost. So that's nice. In just a few days we will be in Vegas. I'm soooo excited for that.

moving on up. getting smacked down.

2008-12-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I played about 2000 hands of 100nl. I played a little during my session on Tuesday and won a good amount. Yesterday though....not so good. I'm not sure but I think I lost my largest amount in a day of online play. It was only about 4 and half buy ins, but its still quite a sting both because of the monetary value and because it is always disconcerting when you go up to a new level and get the shit kicked out of you. You start to question if maybe you're not ready, not as good as you thought you were. Of course there's probably truth to that, but, if I remember correctly, when I first went up to 50nl I got smacked also. Its just part of the learning process. I was really hoping to use some of the money for Vegas, but that won't happen unless I at least get back to the level I was at before.

the family retard

2008-12-08T20:53:00.000-08:00

So I succumbed to the Facebook bug. However, I don't want to stop writing here, so I'm going to try and keep writing. I must keep my adoring audience of one happy.

Anyways, so we still don't have the keys to our house. The guy has our money but he hasn't moved out of the house yet, and since it would be awkward to live in the house while he is living there we will wait. According to the contract he has until Sunday to finish moving out, so we should be in by next Monday at the latest. The guy has been more than patient with us, so he can take all the time he needs. We're planning to have the house for a long time, so its ok to wait a couple of extra days. It was a bit of a let down though, given that we were expecting to have the keys today.

Things with poker have been going well. My poker coaching sessions have been going great. I'm learning a lot of great things that are exciting and make my head spin. Tomorrow I have another session, so we'll see how that goes. But today I had my first session of 100nl. I won a little in the short session, which was good. It was a little intimidating but I don't think I saw a big difference in the level of play. So I'm hoping to keep playing at that level and make a little extra money. I'm not sure how high I want to go with my bankroll. Probably somewhere in the $10k to $20k level. Then I'll be able to start bringing in some extra money regularly, which would be sweet.

I'm sooooo excited for Vegas in a couple of weeks. Getting away fro a bit just sounds great, and being able to get away and just relax and play a ton of poker sounds perfect.

Anyways, I should get ready for bed now.

thank god its thanksgiving

2008-11-27T09:05:00.001-08:00

So its Thanksgiving morning and I'm sitting here watching the beginning of the parade with my lovely wife. There is a cheerleading group first of all dancing to a collage of high energy songs that, I would imagine, is musical cocaine. It makes me feel awkward and anxious. I feel like I have an amazing boost of energy but not the energy to do anything about it.

Anyways, things are actually going ok (there's a commercial on right now that is a McDonalds McNuggets commercial that makes me want to punch someone. Considering my stance on spousal abuse I will refrain). It appears, although I don't believe its still actually official, that we have our home loan. We will know for certain next week I assume. It didn't work out perfect though. We are ending up paying about 40% down. Obviously we don't have that money ourselves. My parents are putting most of that down from their own home equity loan. So, as soon as we can, we will refinance our home and pay them back. We extended the move out date on our apartment as well, so we will have plenty of time to move out and will only have to move once. So, today I'm thankful for that and for parents who have the means and desire to help us.

Its hard to be thankful with all these dumbass performers in the parade.

Had a poker lesson on Tuesday. It went really well overall. I'm coming out of my downswing and have actually been running really well this week, up almost 5 buy ins in 3 short sessions. Still have a lot of ground to cover in order to recover the money we (I) lost on Sunday. On Tuesday, or whenever my next lesson is, we're going to move up to the next level, 100nl. I'm excited for that.

My god, some of these commercials make me wish murder was legal. Today I'm thankful for DVR. I'm also thankful for Endwar and Dexter.

And my animals. And my loverly wife.

tilty mcgee

2008-11-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

On Sunday we decided to head out to Bay 101 to play a little poker. We used to go there frequently, but haven't gone in quite some time. So we went out and got a seat at a new table right away, at around 10:45ish. The first hand I raise, get two callers, and win it on the flop. I immediately comment that I should leave right away because when I win the first hand at Bay 101 (or anywhere for that matter) I tend to have a really bad session. We all give a sly chuckle and move on to the next hand where I am dealt jacks. I raise, get one caller. Bet the 9-8-4 flop, get basically min-raised, shove, get hero called by 55 and proceed to lose to running straight cards. That was basically the theme for the next hour, where I was dealt a slough of good starting hands and was either coolered or crushed by some piece of cheese. Just over an hour later I'm stuck 4 buy-ins and we left in shock, losing most of the money we came in with. I've had bad sessions like that before, but never that quickly. It was just amazing. I think I played pretty well overall, but it was just a session where nothing I did worked, and it all happened in a really short time. I just can't seem to win at Bay 101 anymore. Oh well. Now I just need to make sure I win a good amount online so we can have a good amount to bring to Vegas around Christmas.

In other news, it looks like we finally got our home loan. So the house is basically official and we're moving in within 2-3 weeks. Strangely I haven't been excited. I think the reason is that I/we have been so beaten by everything that has happened both recently and within the last few years that we have become cynical. This makes me sad because we're getting our first home and we're not excited. So tonight we talked about it and we're going to try and stop being so damn cynical all the time.

I find that I'm becoming so old and crotchety lately that I hardly get excited for anything. I get so cranky about stupid shit. Its kind of funny, but it also breaks me down slowly over time. Its time for a change I think.

what a time

2008-11-20T11:51:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here in Panera with Catherine, doing work, playing some poker, and listening to the asian couple talk in some foreign tongue next to us. Things have been crazy lately. The turnaround is over finally and I've been at home the last few days helping Catherine take care of things. Its been nice to be with her after being apart for so long.

We move in about a week. Where to, we're not totally sure. While we know we have approval on the loan (I think), we don't yet have formal approval. And with escrow supposed to end, um, tomorrow, we need to get this taken care of soon. What a strange process this has been. I don't really know how to take it all in.

I've been on a down swing in poker lately. Nothing too bad but after not playing for two weeks, it sucks to come back to being variance's bitch. Its ok though, because I understand that this is just how it goes. Plus I have a lot of kinks to work out. I'm hoping to take a lot of coaching sessions between now and the end of the year. I want to not suck at poker anymore.

Everyone is on Facebook now and I don't get it yet. Even Catherine has opened an account and within 24 hours she has a bunch of "friends". Maybe Facebook is the new "cheers". Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name. Catherine wants me to join, but I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for that yet.

I'm beginning to tilt from poker...I may need to call it a day.

lifting the housing

2008-11-15T09:54:00.000-08:00

So in a matter of days we lost the loan and then we got another loan. All happening in the middle of the turnaround, 10 days from close of escrow on the house. Ugh. It all is working out now though (allegedly) and the turnaround is finishing up. So that's good. I'm soooo excited for this thing to be finally done. I can feel alive again. I've been so out of touch with everything for two weeks straight and so much has been happening. I will finally be able to think everything through, to spend time with my friends and family, to handle all the issues that have been and continue to come up. It will be great, finally. I can't wait to play poker again. I can't wait to golf. I can't wait to play guitar and video games (veiled sdre reference). I can't wait to go on dates with my wife and walks with my dog. Aaaaaahhh. A sigh of relief.

I was able to play a little poker last night and I'm on the other side of variance right now. It was a rough session and I dropped one and half buy ins. I think I played ok though. I tried a couple high variance plays that were probably +EV overall, but didn't work out last night. Oh well. I feel like I'm improving and I showed some good patience last night, not paying off in frustrating spots and not trying to force the action with bad players. So I think I'm slightly encouraged, despite losing. I'm really excited for Vegas, to see how these things I'm learning translate to that setting. Another thing I can't wait for is a poker lesson.

life tilt

2008-11-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

fuck.

uncock my shit

2008-11-08T13:57:00.000-08:00

Its so hard to blog during the turnaround. Really, its hard to do anything during the turnaround. It is void that consumes my whole being and turns me into a zombie. I bet it gives me cancer.

I'm pretty tired, but I do have a day off tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'll do, just relax and be with my lady I guess. I would like to golf some but its supposed to rain sometime. So I'm not sure that will happen. I would also like to play some poker. I haven't played a hand in well over a week, which is the first time that's happened in a long while. I love poker and I miss it.

Speaking of poker, the WSOP final table starts tomorrow. Kevin wants me to not pay attention to any of it and just watch the ESPN show on Tuesday. But I'm not sure I'll be able to do that because that would mean I couldn't go on any poker websites for three days and probably couldn't listen to any new poker podcasts in that time as well. I'm not sure I could do that. I will probably pay attention to the first day when they play down to the final 2. Then I'll not pay attention and just see who won on Tuesday, like everyone else. I'm not sure yet though.

more stuff

2008-11-06T13:49:00.000-08:00

So the meeting between my wife and her parents went reasonably well. Actually, it went about as well as it could have. They basically came to an understanding on how to make their relationships better, which is good. We then spent the rest of the weekend with them, which was good but weird. To go from a state of distrust and bitterness to a state where we hang out and have fun all day is just too weird. And that has been hard on Catherine. She's been really stressed out as a result of that and other things that are happening.

Things with the house are progressing slowly. We (hopefully) have given all the documents and info to the loan company that they need in order for them to decide if they should give us half a million dollars. The whole process has been very frustrating though, as whenever we think that we have given them everything we have to provide a few more documents. Oh well.

Only in California can we simultaneously deny law enforcement additional funding, but vote to add a speed train. We strike down the right of parental notification if their child wants an abortion, take away the rights of gays to get married, but overwhelmingly pass a law that forces farmers to allow a chicken that will eventually be slaughtered to have room in their cages to walk around. We barely pass legislation that allows for funding for childrens schools, and deny victims of crimes the right to be aware of criminal hearings but pass by a 2-1 margin proposition 2. My state has the political views of a 13 year old girl.

seriously, now this is getting ridiculous

2008-11-04T13:06:00.000-08:00

So I have so much going on that I should be blogging about it all every freaking day, but I just can't find the time. Then I get to the point that there is so much to tell about what happened that its too overwhelming, so I don't want to write about it anymore. So I just have to tough it out and do what I need to do.

Still, I don't have time to write everything. Hopefully, as I get time I can write little snippets about what's happening.

Right now, the turnaround has started. For the unaware, a turnaround is when a chemical plant, or probably any plant, shuts down in order to perform maintenance that can't be done while operating. Since plants don't make money when they aren't operating there is a lot of pressure to get things done quickly, which means long hours and hectic pace. Yesterday was the first day and I worked over 14 hours. Today is looking the same. Its good money for our company, and the work is somewhat interesting, but I am already very tired. Still, once I get in my flow I will do fine I'm sure. I just have to find my flow.

Anyways, I need to go take care of something. More later.

wat

2008-10-27T07:43:00.000-07:00

Sssooooooooo we got a house. I am a home owner. Weird. Not even really sure what happened or what to say about it. I guess though that I can say that this is pretty clearly a gift. The circumstances surrounding us getting a house suggest that this is more than random chance. We didn't deserve to get this house. But we did and now I must say that this house is a promise. A promise of a new chapter in our lives. A promise of hope.

And we need it now because Catherines parents are coming this week. This can go a number of ways, but I think that most of them are good. I think I will share more later though.

I golfed this weekend and totally KICKED KEVIN'S ASS! He was weeping like a beaten little girl. It was sad, yet satisfying.

take a deeper breath

2008-10-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Things have been really busy lately. We have the turnaround coming, which, for those who don't know, is this crazy project that lasts a few weeks which usually has me working 12 hour days 7 days a week. I've been doing a lot of planning for it and things are picking up because its only about 2 weeks away. This turnaround should be easier though, as it appears that I will be working slightly shorter shifts and only 6 days a week. So that should make things easier. After that, it will be my favorite time of the year. I can hardly contain the excitement about that.

In just over a week Catherine's parents are coming. Oi. I'm glad that its finally coming though. Hopefully it comes to a conclusion that is somewhat successful. I am restrainedly hopeful though.

We made an offer on a house. Its a fixer upper in Alamo that's pretty nice overall, but needs a lot of work. Our offer was really really low, and they have had 5 offers total so our chance of getting it is a snowball's in hell. But I guess it was worth a shot, and also worth it to see how the process goes and see how involved everyone is.

A lot more going on, but I don't want to make this too long. So, alas, I will save it for another day.

WTFWJD

2008-10-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

There's a small part of me that is growing that hopes that McCain/Palin loses...because I'm already sick of the Palin jokes. Making fun of Palin is the new making fun of Bush. Its so cliche now. Regardless, it looks like Obama is going to win anyways. It will be interesting to see what happens. Plus its good for me from a poker perspective because an Obama administration is more likely to overturn the UIGEA than a McCain administration. But I think McCain mishandled things, which is causing people not see his policies in the right light. Oh well.

I've been continuing my crazy up and down, rollercoaster swings in poker lately. I'm moving up overall though, so that's good. But I miss the normal, calm up and up. This up and down is frying my nerves.

One of the things I'm going to try to do again is really try to live like God is here. I mean, I believe he is, but so much of the time I don't act like it. So obvious, but I suspect I'm not the only one in the world who so easily forgets this.

The ultimate two-fer: Your girlfriend asks you to pick up milk for the kids. You need to go kill a sex offender that's stalking one of the kids. So as you're dragging the body away for disposal check the fridge. Aawww yeah. Dexter is awesome.

swizz nizzle

2008-10-10T16:08:00.000-07:00

I'm out in the city right now for whiskey fest. We are 21a brewpub. Its pretty nice. Drinking some good beers before we drink some good whiskeys. Hopefully I don't get too drunk. If I do though, hopefully I drunk blog so I can share it all with you.

***update***

So we are on the way home in the limo. The evening was sureal, but fun overall. I didn't really get drunk, although I am buzzed. So, I guess that's good. It was fun though and I'm really appreciative to Kevin and Brian and the whole spirits crew who provided me with this evening. I can't wait to be home though with my bride and to have my weekend.

the sky is flailing

2008-10-08T06:29:00.001-07:00

Watched the second debate last night. Another interesting one, but not one with a clear victor one way or the other. I have to say that John McCain "won" in my opinion, he was strong in the economy section and always has the advantage in foreign policy. But since he didn't route Obama its not a big victory. It will be interesting to see how the polls react.

I also never mentioned the VP debate, which was another close one, but I actually think Biden had the edge on that one.

One thing to point out that is of interest is that while Obama is ahead in most polls it shouldn't worry McCain supporters too much as long as the Obama lead isn't too high. Looking back at the primaries Obama consistently did worse on election day than the polls suggested. I can't remember a time when he did as well or better actually. There's a lot of reasons for this, but I suspect we'll see it as well on November 4th.

Yesterday I played a little poker and won back 4 1/2 buy ins. That was encouraging. I just need to buckle down and keep playing well. That's the key.

ps. dexter season 3 is awesome so far. amen.

as a ghost shall live

2008-10-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how you can just let this thing fall behind. I'm surprised to see that its been almost 10 days since my last blog. time just moves so fast sometimes, its impossible to keep up.

Anyways, its been a hell of a month so far, on many levels. From a poker perspective I'm down almost 1k so far play 50nl and one session at the California Grand Casino 2/2/3 nl game. I just can't seem to get anything going. I must say though that even though I am getting brutalized I am not playing my best and I'm losing more than I should. So I'm going to just really try to tighten up the leaks, focus on my game, and play some damn good poker. The cards will come around sooner or later. hopefully.

Haven't had a ton of time to golf, but I did have one session with my dad, which was fun both because I shot my best round at the fair ground (47), and because it was fun getting out and golfing with my dad. We're supposed to do it again this week, so we'll see how it goes.

Check the shutter

2008-09-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

A decent weekend comes to a close and a new work week starts. This weekend I golfed my first 18 hole course. It was a lot of fun but I didn't shoot well at all, so that sucked. After that we went to the Cheap Trick/Heart/Journey show. Cheap Trick was good, Heart was awesome, and we didn't stay for Journey for a number of reasons. But it was fun.

We went and saw Miracle at St Anna on Sunday. It was a pretty bad movie with almost no redeeming qualities. So that sucked, but its ok because I guess sometimes you have to see bad movies.

Played a little poker and won about 4 buy ins in about 30 minutes. So my roller coaster swings continue. Pretty crazy, but oh well. As long as I keep winning.

We got Mario Kart for the Wii, which is really fun. Not much else to say about that.

The new season of Dexter started. It was pretty good. Excited to see what happens as the plot develops.

Catherine's parents are coming to town to discuss all the issues between her and them. That will be crazy. Not sure where that's going to lead us, but I'll try to be hopeful overall. I don't think that will be hard though.

update

2008-09-27T06:21:00.001-07:00

So, when you mock variance she bitch slaps you. I ended yesterday down 6 buy ins. All coolers and bad beats. It was disgusting. Add to this that I was wrong about the day the new season of Dexter started. Its not until Sunday. Wonderful.

In other news, watched the debates last night. It was interesting and close. I would say that McCain had the edge though.

Good news: I'm going golfing today. Bad news: I had to get up early on Saturday to do it. Not sure I'm sold on this whole early golfing thing.

I am variance's bitch

2008-09-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've been having some of the most brutally insane runs lately. None of the standard weak tight games where I can eak out a buy in or two by doing a lot of stealing and some thin value betting. No, this has been just brutal, action all the time games. It just wouldn't be a game if there weren't plenty of coolers, 3 outers, two outers, sick bluff insanity, people playing like monkeys and all I can do is just hold on for dear life as variance has her way with me. Lets just say, she likes the rough stuff. All in all, I've been moving up. But man has it been just brutal. Hopefully it just settles down soon because I don't know how much more I can take.

Season 3 of Dexter starts tonight. All I can say is boo ya.

I'm tired of politics right now.

Never Trust a Cop in a Rain Coat

2008-09-24T08:11:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, one more thing that has happened. My wife and I got more tattoos. She got a cool valentine design with my name (aaww) and I got a cool Orthodox angel on my arm. They are really cool. I will post pics when I get a chance.

End

Another Autumn

2008-09-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hello again. Its been a while since I've done this whole blogging thing. I find that when I get so far removed I tend to just want to say that nothing's happened. But really a lot has happened. Here's some highlights:

1. My brother had a baby. So now I have a baby nephew named Samuel. He's really chubby and cute. We went up there recently to see his family and its weird to see him as a father and what not. Its good though.

2. I've been really focusing on my poker game recently. I joined the training site Deuces Cracked and am watching a lot of their training videos. The site also led me to some poker coaching. I've been really wanting to have a poker coach for a long time and that's one of the things that led me to the Deuces Cracked site. They facilitate students finding coaches. I've had a couple of sessions with my coach, jk3a, and its been really great so far. Its really brought my game to a new level and renewed my passion for poker in general. When you see how intricate it can be its hard not to be interested. I'm up to 50nl ($50 buy in no limit hold em) and hope to move up to 100nl by November.

3. I've taken up the game of golf. Yeah, I feel like an old nerd, but its really fun. I am taking lessons and am slowly getting better. Its really fun just going out with friends, goofing off, and getting some exercise at the same time. I've only played 9-holes per game so far, but have my first 18 hole session coming up this weekend. It should be fun.

4. I just celebrated my 5th anniversary with my lovely wife. Our marriage is only 5 years old, which is still young, relatively speaking, but I don't think we're "newly weds" anymore, and that makes me happy. It means that in many respects our love has stood the test of time so far. These last 5 years have been very difficult, not in our relationship, but in our lives. Its been wonderful to have our love to fall back on when everything else is falling apart. And its growing stronger every day.

5. Yesterday we upgraded our cable to the premier package, which means we get all the movie channels and such. That's exciting because some of our favorite TV shows are on channels such as HBO and Showtime. Specifically, we've become addicted to the show Dexter. I thoroughly enjoy the hell out of it. The 3rd season premier is on Friday. Plus now we get to watch old episodes of Curb Your Enthusiasm, another brilliant show.

That's all. I hope to update this more. Until then....

F- them, I busted Cheryl Hines

2008-07-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

So we just got back from Las Vegas. It was the first time in a while that we went just for fun, not to meet someone there or to do something. At the same time, we did have a lot planned, so the trip went by rather quickly. Here's a brief overview:

Highlights

1. We saw the 50k HORSE final table, well, most of it. It was a lot of fun to watch though. We almost didn't get in, but we were able to get seats at the last minute. We stayed for almost 10 hours, when we had to leave because we were both exhausted. the final table lasted about 14 hours total, so there's no way we would have made it all the way. Congratulations Scotty Nguyen on the victory there.

2. We chatted with Daniel Negreanu for a bit. Now, this wasn't a fan boy, we went up and started talking to him kind of thing. He started talking to us first, giving Catherine a little lesson on sweating cards, and then we just had a short conversation. It was really cool because he was really nice and not arrogant at all. Considering he's one of our favorite players, it was a really fun experience.

3. We got to hang out with my folks some, which is always nice. They were on a sick losing streak (weird, losing money to the casinos?), so they were bummed a lot of the time. But we had some good meals, and went and saw Love at the Mirage, which was pretty neat. So it was a good time.

4. I got to play some other, non-NLHE games, like Omaha 8-or-better, 7 Card Stud, and even some HORSE, which was a lot of fun. The card rooms are starting to try to spread some lower limit Pot Limit Omaha games too, which I'm really excited about. I love playing the other games because it helps me become a much more rounded poker player. I'm not just a hold' em player. Plus I find that it helps my hold 'em game as well, when I apply some of the concepts I learn from the other games. I'm really looking forward to getting to know some of these other games.

5. I played a one table sit n' go at the Mirage with Ray Romano and Cheryl Hines. I was playing 4/8 HORSE while Catherine was in a tournament and saw they were signing up for the SNG, so I jumped in immediately. It was a ton of fun. They were both very kind and fun to play with. Ray was funny, but he sat on the other side of the table and went out early. So I didn't get to talk to him much. But I saw near Cheryl Hines and we chatted some, which was just amazing. She was really cool and down to earth. Not arrogant at all. I felt bad though because when we were three handed I was brutalizing her, raising almost every hand, and she wasn't getting any cards, and I could tell that was frustrating. I eventually busted her on the bubble and the other player and I chopped the prize money, so I walked away with a nice profit, and a great story. This was definitely one of the best parts of the trip.

6. I really feel like my poker game is going to a new level, in a couple of different ways. I told myself that this trip I didn't want to focus on winning, but playing well and losing my ego. I really feel like I did those things over all, which really makes me happy. I did make a lot of mistakes, but over all I can tell I'm thinking things through more clearly, which is helping me make better decisions and making me a better player. I also tried to let go of my ego and just play good whether I won or lost, and this really helped me have more fun at the table and helped me to be more confident, and that helped me to really control the table most of the time, especially in the cash games. I was able to get away with a lot because my table antics kept people off balance. I even talked Cheryl Hines out of bluffing me a few times, which allowed me to win some pots with marginal hands. So, overall, I was really happy with how I played.

7. Finally, Catherine and I had a fun time just being together. I just love spending time with her. We have so much fun together most of the time and I just love spending time with her, talking about whatever, seeing her try new things, and having her encourage me to try harder. She's the best.

Downsides

1. Even though I think I played well, we still left down, together, around 800 bucks. Some of that is table games (blackjack, video poker, and 3 card poker), but we did lost a bit in the cash games and I'm down a bit in the tournaments, even though I scored in that SNG. So, our losing streak largely continues, which is annoying, but I'm very confident that it will not continue for much longer. In fact, if it wasn't for some beats and coolers I'd be up about 4 or 5 hundred myself. Two times I was stuck 4 or 5 hundred in a session and was able to fight back to being only stuck about 50 bucks each time. So it could have been a lot worse.

2. My parents losing a lot made things a bit more awkward some of the time, which sucked. But that can't be helped.

3. There was so much going on that we didn't get to do everything we wanted. We didn't play as much poker as we wanted. I didn't get to play as much of the other games as I would have liked. I wanted to play a few more tournaments. We wanted to head over to see the Main Event of the WSOP, but didn't get a chance (because we wanted to play more). And we really didn't get to have a lot of time to just relax together.

All in all, the goods outweight the bads and I'd have to say that it was a really fun trip. I'm really excited to head back next month with the Mengs! Should be fun.

In other news, we finally got our tax rebate check and we got the full amount. So that means we'll be getting some new tattoos soon. I think I have my ideas picked out but we're going to head to Barnes and Nobles this weekend to check out the picture books to see if there is anything else we want. I'm hoping to have at least two more tattoos by the end of the year, perhaps as many as four.

Patterns

2008-06-23T12:35:00.001-07:00

Things have been going better as of late. The last Vegas trip ended up much better than it started. After losing a bunch in the beginning we played two more times, the second session I was way up, and the third session I started off really bad but fought back to about even. So we left Vegas with a bit more than we came with, which was great.

We're heading back in a few days, this time for just a fun trip, which will be really nice. Its going to be a very fun trip. We're going to see the 50k HORSE final table, Love, the beginning of the Main Event, and we're going to play a lot of poker. I'm also going to try and play in one of the Venetian Deep Stack events. Its only a $330 buy in, but it will be the largest buy in tournament I will have played. You start with good chips and the blinds go up reasonably slow, so it will be interesting to see how I do.

Other than that things are ok. I'm home with Catherine now because she's having a hard time. That is always an interesting scenario because I love being home with her, but I hate the circumstances. Still though, we were marveling yesterday at how perfectly everything has worked out for us. If things didn't work out the way they did Catherine may not have made it this far. Makes you wonder if there's not someone up there guiding all this nonsense in our favor.

Risk

2008-06-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

So I am in Las Vegas, at the World Series of Poker, at the ASSE Safety 2008 conference. In the mornings I get up early on a weekend, when many in this town are just getting to bed, and I go play safety geek with the other safety geeks and we talk about...safety.

At night, Catherine and I head to the Amazon room to watch the insanity that is the WSOP unfold right in front of us. How crazy. What a strange dichotomy.

The trip has been fun though. The first night we got to see Daniel Negreanu win his 4th bracelet. That was a lot of fun. The next night we sweated Bill Edler in the Razz event. And last night we watch the carnage of the PLO w/ rebuys event, which was awesome. Every table was stacked with great players.

We also decided that we just couldn't bear not playing a little ourselves, so we mosied on over to the poker room to play a little 1/3 nlhe. We didn't have much money with us so we decided to short buy for 100 each. It took me about 45 minutes to dust off 3 buy ins. A8 < A3. He flops two pair and check raises me all in on the A34r flop (I folded and he showed). 77 < AKo allin preflop. Of course I was against Catherine on that one. The rake was the only winner on that one. AKo < AQo. Flop was KQQr. I almost folded. QdTd < Kc8c all in on a flop of 6cQcTs where the solid player at the table decided to gamble with zero fold equity.
You know, I hate telling bad beat stories, but this just has been happening so much that I feel the need to prove to myself and others that even though I haven't won in a live cash game in 6 months I am not playing bad (I don't think). Its just so sick that this keeps happening.

But, damn it, I'm a tenacious bastard. I'm not giving up because I know I can beat this game. In fact I've decided to immerse myself in studying poker in general ( not just hold em), because I want to be better. I don't want to play 1/2 my whole life. I want to play bigger cash games and I want to play in the wsop. Poker is most fun when it is difficult.

So, on that note, tonight or tomorrow we will probably take our last bit of money and take another stand in the low stakes nlhe game. I'm a little worried, but still over all confident. We will see what happens.

Brag Post

2008-06-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

So I won my first multi-table tournament (freezeout) last night. I outlasted 91 players in an $8.80 tournament to take down about $230 bucks. Not life changing, but very encouraging. I started off doubling up on the second hand after flopping top set against an overpair, but pretty much folded for most of the next two hours, occasionally stealing a pot here and there to stay even. Then, right before things got desperate I doubled up on two consecutive hands to vault me into 3rd in chips with 18 to go. Cruised to the final four players and then had a disaster where I took a bad read and doubled up a player in a weird hand. That left me with about 6 or 7 big blinds with four players left. At this point I had about 7k, two players had between 20k-30k , and one player had over 100k. So at this point I commented to Catherine that we were pretty much playing for 2nd, barring some miracle. Fortunately though I was able to steal some blinds and antes, thanks to my weak tight opponents. I won some pots after that and was able to work my way back to 50k. Then the 3rd place player busted the 4th place player, I busted him when I made him think I was bluffing on a hand that he shouldn't have been in in the first place. This gave me a slight chip lead going into heads up. First hand of heads up the other guy raises, I had 1010 and decided to move in, he called with A9o and I had him drawing dead on the turn. And that was that. I was overall very happy with my play, except for a few hands (including the last one). And now I have a good amount of confidence going into a few trips to Vegas in the next few weeks.

In related news, we still haven't gotten our check for our bankroll. Well, in actuality, we've gotten 1k of it, but that was mostly to cover some expenses we had. Catherine and I have a sneaking suspicion that its not coming, but we haven't lost hope. I really hope we find a way to get some money together so we can play a large amount of poker when we go to Vegas.

In non-related news, I'm exhausted. We've been housesitting for my parents and cat sitting for my sister, so we've been living in the zoo. This has made it nearly impossible to get a solid night's worth of sleep, for two nights in a row. Add to that the fact that I'm super busy at work. Tons of fun.

Catherine is kicking my ass in our WSOP pool. Damn it. Why can't one of my players win? Am I the only one who can win around here!? (i am so cool...)

My, My, My

2008-05-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

How quickly things can change. A few days ago I was lamenting about our recent loss of a bankroll. Almost that very night I received news that I have a bonus heading my way from work that will be more than enough for us to start a decent bankroll. Truly it is amazing and it sounds silly to say that God would provide someone with money with which to gamble, but I really believe that is what happened. Of course, there's still a part of me that is skeptical and will remain so until the check is in my hand, but I'm sure it will come. And for the first time in a while I'm excited.

Then, perhaps as further evidence of my change of luck, I had a good day in poker yesterday. I won 1.5 buy ins in a short session in pot limit omaha 8 or better, won a short handed sng, and then cashed in a multi-table tournament. I was a little bit frustrated that I didn't get farther in the tournament, but I was crippled in a bit of a cooler when my AK ran into someone's AA. Oops. In retrospect I think I might have been able to get away from the situation losing less chips because the amount the opponent raised wasn't consistent with a steal attempt. So its a little frustrating that I didn't interpret that correctly, but I was destined to lose a very large portion of my stack on that hand unfortunately. Oh well.

Anyways, I've got some confidence back. The WSOP is starting today. Now I just want to take my girl out on a date sometime, because I miss her romance and all will be right with the world.

ps

2008-05-28T12:06:00.001-07:00

The wsop is coming in two days. Thank God for the only thing that makes summer exciting. Amen.

When You Realize Variance is Really Just a Herpe

2008-05-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

So we went and played poker...and again left broke. Its so gross. I don't know how to win anymore. I mean, I have statistics going back over a year saying that I'm a winning player. But I can't win anymore. I haven't had a really significant win almost at all this year. So once again we're broke with no bankroll and I'm not really sure how we're going to get one anymore. The problem I have now is wondering at what point to you just say that this can no longer be normal variance. Perhaps I really am a losing player. But I have to figure this out for myself because Catherine and I have no one who plays poker as much as we do to let us know if we're just donkey's or not. If something doesn't happen soon though I'm not sure what we're going to do.

Anyways, no bad beat stories, just a weird one: 2/3/5, 5-200 spread limit game at Bay 101. UTG straddles for 10. In this game they have a 3 raise cap in this game, so when someone straddles some of the people like to min-raise before it gets to the straddler, so they can't raise. Now, first of all, this is stupid. I saw a guy do this with pocket queens. Are you kidding me? When the buy in is 40bbs only, I'm praying the straddler raises so I can get all my chips in. To me, this is just scared poker.

Anyways, UTG +1 raises to 15, and the next players raises to 20, so its capped. A couple of more callers and its to me on the button and I find AKo. Frustrated, I call. The blinds and straddler call. So the pot is 6 or 7 ways for 20 each, about 130 in the pot. Flop comes A-A-4, rainbow. Checks to UTG +1 and he bets the max, 200. Folds to me. Now I have two thoughts going through my head. First off, I have trips with the top kicker and because of their stupid min-raise, wuss poker they have no idea what I have. So, if I were to assign them a range I am way ahead of it. I have the 3rd nuts. However, my spidey-senses are going a little crazy on this one. This guy had never bet that much like this. Its a huge over-bet. Usually these people have no concept of the size of the pot, so they are chronic under-bettors. So why is he over-betting like this now? Would he really do that with A9 or some stupid two pair hand like 88? It just doesn't make sense. Of course, this guy was a bit of a goofball, so plays that don't make sense aren't completely out of the ballpark, which we'll see soon. Two hands that make some sense are A4 and 44 because they realize that with such a big field its very possible someone has an ace, and would have a hard time folding, so they are getting huge value on a big bet. Of course, these two hands happen to be the only two that beat me.

So what to do? I wasn't ready to fold just yet, especially since no one called in between, leading me to believe that there was still an ace out there, so A-x was still in his range. However, this was a classic way ahead/way behind situation. If I'm ahead, he has, at most 4 outs, but probably 3 outs, or he's close to drawing dead. Plus if I'm ahead I will likely have no problem getting his stack if he has a decent ace or something like that, but he will probably not stack off with two pair hands after I show so much strength by continuing with this hand. On the other hand, if I'm behind I have 3 outs to the nuts. If he has A4 or 44 and I spike my king on the turn I'm getting the rest of his money. Let me also point out that he and I are the deepest stacks at the table. I had about 800 at the start of the hand and he about 650. So there is a lot of money to lose here. If he were a short stack, oh well, we just get it in and if I'm beat I'm beat. But I'm not ready to stack off here. And, with be calling and showing huge strength I'll get to see his reaction on the turn, because this guy was a bit of an emotional player, so in such a big pot he couldn't hold back. However, my gut instinct told me I was beat. That tipped the scale toward the fold, but then my stupid emotional side came in and told me that folding AK on this flop would be incredibly weak. Plus I was a little tilted from making a couple of suspect laydowns earlier in the game, so I wasn't about to be "weak" again. Not a good reason at all, but its true.

So I called the 200. As I'm calling the bettor says "I'm already boated up man". My instincts agree, but he could still be lying, so no change in plans yet. To my surprise and horror a lady in the SB called as well. Now she was a bit of a loose-aggressive bad player. So, I don't think she has a full house yet, even though its slightly possible she'd slowplay. I just didn't think it was likely she would. But I know its also unlikely she's a kamakazi. Its slightly possible she has a hand like KK or QQ that she couldn't raise with pre-flop (because of the wuss poker), but I wouldn't put a lot of stock in it. My gut feeling is that her most likely hand is an A-x that she isn't smart enough to fold. What's wrong with that you say? Well, if my read is right I know now where all four aces are and the guy who bet on the flop doesn't have one. Now he basically has 44 or some BS hand.

The turn is the 8h. Now, to squash all doubts, UTG +1 bets the max again, quickly. This alone tells me that I'm likely beat. But just to make sure he turns over 44. Shocked, I'm now faced with a math decision. I have 3 outs to the nuts, plus 3 more outs if the lady doesn't have A-8. So with 6 outs I need basically 7 to 1 pot odds to proceed. There was 130 in preflop + 600 on the flop + 200 more on the turn + plus he has 200 more in his stack that I'm likely to get if I get there with my king, but not likely to get if the 8 shows up. That leaves me with about 5.5 to 1 pot odds, not nearly enough, so I fold. The lady also folds, claiming she had AJ.

Now, this is where the fun begins, the bettor now claims that he did that because he was scared of us boating up in the hand to outdraw his. The pot was big enough, so he just wanted to take it down right then and there. I am a little tilted right now, so I inform him that this is terrible poker. Against my hand alone he's about 85% to win on the turn. With two opponents he drops down to 76%. He disagrees because he has so many cards to dodged (9 I inform him), and amazingly, people at the table are agreeing with him! WTF? Do these people hate money? For every dollar he puts in the pot on the turn and gets called he gets 1.76 back. Translate that to my stack, we had about 400 left. That means that he was entitled to $304 dollars that he didn't get because he was scared. Honestly, that's like lighting money on fire.

Oh well, I guess I can't complain too much. Because he played like a huge wuss I saved that money (a lot of good it did me). If he had played the pot like a real player here's how the hand would have gone down, he would have limped, I would have put in a big raise, which he was likely to call (maybe not). The lady would have called too. The flop would have come down as above and it would have likely been checked to me, and I would have bet a good amount, which the lady would have possibly raised, he would have either raised or called, and I would have likely got it all in because now his range is much, much wider. He would have doubled or tripled up.

Anyways, sorry this was long, but the hand was so interesting. I'm a bit frustrated that I didn't just fold the flop, but its a bit hard to lay down AK on the AA4 flop. Still though, I think I could have. I'm better than that. I lost 200 I didn't have to. And that is very frustrating.

Amber Alert

2008-05-21T21:47:00.000-07:00

There was an amber alert issued for a car the exact same make and model as mine. Perhaps I'm a kidnapper on my birthday?

We are here in line for the new Indiana Jones flick and already I'm tired. Oi, I'm getting old. So far this birthday has been ok. Catherine and Daniel Negreanu have made it exciting. She is just the sweetest, most wonderful girl. She certainly is my favorite.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but I'm not going to my 10 year high school reunion. I'm just too cynical for all of that. Its sad in a lot of ways, but probably for the best.

Anyways, I wish my darling and I could walk around this shopping center that has become a key setting in our lives, but we are married to this line until my 28th birthday is no more.

This weekend we go to play poker again. Wish us luck.

The Digging Begins Today

2008-05-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

So I made my second cash in a multi-table tournament online. It was another 8 dollar tournament, but this time it was a satellite to a WSOP Main Event super satellite. 84 started, the top four paid, and the top three got the seat in the super-satellite. I finished a disappointing fourth after a bad beat where I caught a guy bluffing, but he still won. Oh well. Perhaps that one river card cost me millions...but probably not. All in all though I'm happy with my play. I've noticed a disturbing trend in cash games though, my losing sessions have been worse than my winning sessions. I seem to be losing on a session per session basis more than I'm winning. I am still a winner in the games, but I'm certainly not crushing them. I need to figure out what I'm doing wrong here so I can change this.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Already I got a dope Johnny Cash hoodie from my wonderful wife and I got a Bevmo gift certificate from my parents, which I used to get some good booz. Tomorrow night we are going out to the dinner, then we will see the new Indiana Jones. I hope its good.

Catherine and I are starting to read the Chronicles of Narnia together. She hasn't red the entire series yet, so we thought it would be a good idea. We started the first one and its like a warm blanket. So comforting. But its also challenging at the same time. I'm excited to see where this goes.

10 days until the world series starts.

back in my little town

2008-05-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a wonderful trip to Disneyland. Catherine and I drove down there Friday morning and stayed until Monday afternoon. We were looking for a relaxing trip to help us unwind from all the things we've been dealing with and that's just what we got. Honestly, it was close to perfect. Just what we needed.

I made my first significant cash in an online poker tournament. I got 3rd place out of 90-something entrants in an $8 tournament. Obviously it wasn't life changing money, but still it was morale boosting. I got really lucky in the tournament, as I was crippled early on, with only 2 BBs, but was able to build up to being the chip leader with 3 left. But the blinds were big enough that if you didn't get lucky you wouldn't win, and I didn't get lucky at the right times, so I left in 3rd. Oh well, like I said, morale boosting. Our bankroll is close to $1k again, so we will hopefully be heading to a live card club soon where we can make some real money.

One thing about the WSOP main event final table. If you haven't heard about it, google is your friend. But after a lot of thinking and listening to both sides I've decided that I like the idea and I think it should be supported whole-heartedly. Yes, there are some questions about it ruining the integrity of the event, but, in my opinion, the integrity of the event is already in question. I mean, when was the last time we considered the winner the "world champion"? The WSOP main event is a marketing tool for poker. Yes, there is some nostalgia involved, but really, we can't say that it decides who the best really is. So why not use this tournament to its greatest advantage?

Anyways, back to work.

Sitting in class

2008-05-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

I think I figured out how to blog from my phone. If you are reading this then I have been successful.

I have much to say but not much time to say it. Here are some highlights:

We are going to Disneyland in a couple of days.

I believe that the new idea for the World Series of Poker main event final table is a good one, or is at least one that poker players should support.

Lots of changes at work, good, bad, and indifferent.

My wife is still struggling but we will get through it and I am so proud of her.

New record I am enjoying - Oh, Sleeper. When I am God
My thoughts on Ironman - It was good.

Eye of the tiger

2008-04-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

So we just got back from Vegas. We stayed at the Rio, which is where we always stay when we meet my brother in Vegas. This time though he was with this new family, which was fun. I got to teach my new step-niece some things on the guitar, including a song by Staind (bleh), which is one of her favorite bands. It was fun though and good to see them. His wife, Carmen is pregnant, so we're expecting a new baby in a few months. That will be nice and interesting. I wonder what my brother will be like as a father. I imagine a good one.

Between and after family time we played poker in the Rio poker room. Luckily they had a reasonably priced daily tournament and they introduced a new cash game with a good buy in and decent structure. Still though, I must say, seeing as how the Rio is the home of the World Series of Poker you'd expect there to be a much nicer poker room. Now, I've only played at 6 Vegas poker rooms myself, but I've seen a handful more, and the Rio ranks pretty close to the bottom in terms of the look and feel. Granted it has improved since my last visit, but it still is pretty poor, which is disappointing.

In the tournaments and the cash games I have to say that I played some of the best poker I've ever played. I was wondering before this trip how it would be, given that I hadn't played as much in recent months as I used to. But I really felt confident at the tables. I was reading people and situations better than I have ever in recent memory. That being said, I really rad terrible. It was universally soul crushing. I will save the bad beat stories, but I just couldn't seem to get anything going. Only once was I all in, ahead, and won in a key pot. One other time I was all in, behind, and I won. Every other key pot I lost, whether ahead or behind. Of the times I was behind, only once I can say was a clear mistake (although I would say it was somewhat defensible), one other time I was close, but a mistake (that was close the biggest pot I've ever played), and every other time I would say they were close to automatic decisions. I would say though that there is a lot to learn from this trip and I'll be spending the next few days thinking about it all. We're broke now though, so its back to square one, building a bankroll.

And now its back to life as well. Catherine is still fragile, so things are still tough. It doesn't help that its a busy week. But I'm so proud of how strong she's been lately. I know we'll make it through this.

Good record - The Long Winters newest one
Bad record - Anything by Staind (sorry Dela!)

Curbside

2008-03-19T08:00:00.000-07:00

Its an interesting phenomenon, once I don't blog after a certain period of time I get an aversion to blogging because there's just too much to write about. I mean, my blogs are already too long as is, but if I were to write everything that's happened as of late it would just be ridiculous. Not sure why I feel the need to write about everything in this blog, but oh well.

I'm at an interesting point in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking about myself and my direction and all its led me to is more questions, but I think they are the right questions for once. Hopefully I can find the right answers.

Currently reading: The Alchemist - Coelho
Currently addicted to: this stupid little mac game called Pax Galaxia. Its like heroin.

Kill The Lights

2008-02-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

So its been a while since I've spewed some nonsense onto this computer. Things have been hectic, and I generally haven't had the time or motivation to write anything. But today my lack of motivation to do real work is overtaking my lack of motivation to do other things, and typing makes me look busy, so I'll spend (waste) some time doing this for a while.

First off, watched the Oscars (edited because I'm an idiot). That was fun. I was mostly happy with the winners in each category. I must say there were some good movies battling it out this year. And its a shame that some really good films (The Assassination of Jesse James..., Sweeney Todd..., Atonement, etc.) got overshadowed by some great films (There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men). But all in all I was glad that the blockbuster films were left in the dust by and large by the more artsy films.

In a few days we head down to Los Angeles to help out at a turnaround for about 10 days. I'm not really sure what to expect but I imagine it will go smoothly. Catherine is coming with me, which is nice, but she has to stay mostly in a hotel room the whole time. From this distance is sounds rigid and horrible, but I suspect that once we get down there it will be less so and we might actually have some fun somehow. Who knows though.

In other news, the wpt Bay 101 Shooting Stars tournament starts in two weeks. I will not be able to play in it, which sucks. I didn't try to get in but I never really had a clear opportunity. I guess there's always next year or perhaps the World Series if situations permit.

So I did a nerdy thing and reserved a video game I had been wanting before it came out. I did it mostly because it was a present that I was given a few weeks ago and I couldn't think of anything else I wanted, so I did this. It was a weird experience because I purchased the game and then walked out with nothing. To assuage my desire to play this game I started playing the demos you can get for free on XBOX Live and found some games that I thought might be good. So I got the first one used and decided I didn't like it. Then I returned that one and got another one I thought I'd like, and this one I didn't like (for reasons I'm too ashamed to admit...ok, its because the game was scary and I'm too much of a wuss to play it. It stressed me out. Are you happy now?), so I figured that when I picked up my game that I had preordered it would be just in time to return this other game I didn't like and I could use that money to get something else for me or for Catherine.

As we are picking up the game and doing our exchange the clerk, who was dressed up, so he was probably a manager, informs us that he notices that I've already returned a game recently and that his store "isn't Blockbuster", obviously implying that we're trying to cheat the system, buying games, playing them until we've had our fill and then returning them to get another. This clearly isn't the case and the charge is so absurd that I just start laughing. Now, if that was all he said I would be fine with it, but then he says after a minute of silence (filled intermittently with my laughter) that its even more suspicious since we waited until the maximum amount of time before returning it. Ok, now I'm annoyed. This guy is clearly accusing us of unethical behavior based upon what? His hunch. This skinny little gamer named Logan (how perfect is that?) sits in his world and, in his defense, probably does see a lot of people cheat the system and it peeves him. So what does he do? He accuses customers who are innocent. The whole situation was laughable, but irritating. It was one of those ones though that only gets more irritating as time passes. As a result I didn't say any of this at the time, although I wish I had. Needless to say I most likely won't be shopping at that store any longer. Fuck them.

Currently Listening To - Silversun Pickups
Favorite form of Entertainment - watching Curb Your Enthusiasm

Shipping and Handling

2008-02-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Just got back from another trip to Las Vegas. This one was for our board of directors meeting at SCM. It was a good trip overall. Catherine got a chance to relax, we played a good amount of poker, and the meeting was rather productive. Poker was actually a bit of a roller coaster ride. We fought and struggled most of the time and ended up about 100 bucks. Nothing really interesting with the hands. A couple christmas present hands, one big hand I lost where I had a really big draw, and I thought I'd have some fold equity, but didn't and I missed. That was about a 400 buck pot there. Oh well though.

Mid way through the trip we found out that we might have to go to LA right away to take care of a client's emergency. That was a bit of a nightmare, but they canceled last minute, so we didn't have to go. So now I'm at hope with my dog and wife sleeping next to me in my bed and its oh so comfortable. Its good to be back, even though I love Vegas. We will be back relatively soon though so its good. Now though I have much work to do. I have to help build a foundation for this business so that my family can have a secure future for a long time coming. Plus I have to start school again. Oi. Still though, its time to prove to myself and to others that I deserve the position I'm in. Like the scene in Saving Private Ryan - earn this.

Oh yes, and its Valentines Day. That's another good thing about not going to the city of angels today. I can be with my valentine and, hopefully, show her how amazing I still think she is.

My choice for President - John McCain
My prediction for who will be the next President - Barack Obama

2007 Best Picture Thoughts

2008-02-08T12:27:00.000-08:00

So, as of earlier this week, I've now seen all 5 of the nominees for best picture this year. I must say, first off, that the five that were chosen were all good movies. I thoroughly enjoyed them all. However, I do have favorites, so here is my order and thoughts about each of the films:

5. Juno. Honestly, I don't think I was an in to this movie as everyone else was, at least until the end. In the beginning of the movie, I hated it. It was trying too hard to be witty and cool. Too many one liners. However, by the end I was sold and found the movie to be a success. I don't think it deserved to be nominated for best picture, especially with Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street in the running, which was by far a much better picture, but that is my choice to make I suppose.

4. Michael Clayton. This was a very entertaining movie with some interesting twists and turns. The cinematography was also very good at times. Good performances from George Clooney and Tom Wilkinson. The ending was a little bit of a let down overall. But the movie as a whole was very good.

3. Atonement. This movie was probably the biggest surprise of the list and was the one I saw last. I, first of all, do not like Kiera Knightley, which was probably one of the main reasons it took me so long to see this film. However, I thought the storyline was perfect. The cinematography, especially in the beginning, was great. And the ending was exactly what it needed to be, completely changing the way you viewed the rest of the film.

2. No Country for Old Men. This movie was fantastic from beginning to end. The Cohen brothers proved that you don't need expensive special effects to make a movie intense. Javier Bardem was probably one of the most frightening villains in recent memory. But the movie left you with a feeling that there was more than what you just saw to it. I love it when a movie leaves you completely satisfied, while at the same time wanting more. Some have said that since this wasn't a typical Cohen Brother's film it was a let down. I think that the fact that this was such a departure from their previous work it shows a depth of film making that many indie film makers lack. This was a great film.

1. There Will Be Blood. The choice between this movie and No Country was a very tough one. As far as pure entertainment value, I believe that No Country wins that contest. However, even in the slower moments of There Will Be Blood one word continued to float in my mind: fascinating. Everything about that movie was just utterly fascinating. The turn of the century short story feel of the film was completely engaging if you were paying attention and Daniel Day Lewis' performance was nothing short of brilliant. This was another movie that you have to see at least twice, if not more, to completely understand the nuances and the story within the story. This was a great film.

I Voted

2008-02-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

Its true. Today I exercised my right to choose an representative for me in our republican (the political philosophy, not the political party) government. I also voted for for some ballot initiatives, which means that I also acted as a democrat (the political philosophy, not the political party). Voting always makes me feel good. I suppose that in some respects I take seriously the right we have that not everyone has. Our system is certainly not perfect, but it works and it sets the example for many other young republics/democracies. I know that a lot of my peers take this for granted. They don't see the importance, probably because they don't see the results of their one vote. In their little world, they are largely correct. But I believe that if they study history they should be able to see the significance, both historically and practically.

Anyways, my votes: I arrived at the the fire station, turned bastion of democratic (the political philosophy, not the political party) ideals, and discovered that I told the state of California that I was an Independent, which makes me a "non-partisan". It feels largely good to be a "non-partisan" in this polarized, partisan world. But the philosophical arrogance I felt upon this realization was stifled once I realized the practical importance: since I wasn't a registered Republican (the political party, not the political philosophy), I couldn't vote for my candidate of choice, John McCain. This was a little frustrating, because in a "blue state", the only time my vote matters when I vote in national elections as a Republican is during the primary. Even more so in this contentious Super Tuesday. Oh well. So today, for actually the second straight national primary I voted as a Democrat (the political party, not the political philosophy).

I quickly went to the initiatives and propositions, voting no, no, no, yes, yes, yes, yes, no, no. Basically only yes to the indian gaming initiatives, which would make my Uncle Gene happy I suppose. Then I went back to the vote for the presidential candidate of my choice and I thought for a while. My wife and I talked about this for a bit this morning, discussing who we'd choose between Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama. She would choose Clinton, I was unsure, and was still so when face with the decision. I finally decided that if I were voting for a Democratic (the political party, not the political philosophy) candidate then I would be voting for change. And I believe the Obama would be a more efficient agent of change than Clinton. Plus his message of hope and unity is appealing and I'd be willing to give him a shot if I had to. So I cast my vote today for Barak Obama to be the Democratic (the political party, not the political philosophy) candidate for President of the United States.

To my left: My wife and dog taking a nap together on the couch.
To my right: A pillow and the remote control to the tv

indeed, absolutely

2008-02-04T08:05:00.000-08:00

Its been another long stretch of no writing, but that's mostly been because of a busy week. Here's the recap:

It was a short work week, which was a bit of a blessing. Only a couple of short classes to teach and some emails to do. Tuesday I went with Catherine to her appointment and sat in to discuss the latest findings and see what we need to do. It was a surreal, but in the end a positive step forward.

Wednesday we headed off to Las Vegas for a quick stay for Catherine's birthday. The rest was definitely needed and appreciated. We had some good meals, saw Circe de Soliel's O, which was nice, and did a lot of talking and reconnecting. We also were able to get a bonus from work to fund out poker bankroll, so we were able to play a good deal. The first day I received some christmas present type hands, where I happened to have a big hand while someone else had a worse big hand and I got their chips. The first was against a tight asian girl who seemed competent. A few people limped and I checked the BB with 66. The flop came 4s5s6c. I led at the pot, the girl raised. Folds back to me and I reraised because I knew she had a big hand, probably a set at the minimum. But seeing as how I had top set, I didn't have a choice, so I raised, she pushed, I called and she had 55 for middle set. The board bricked out, so I won that big pot. It was an interesting hand because if I had middle or bottom set I'd have to start to think about dropping the hand at some point.

Another Christmas hand was when a few people limped, a late position player raised, I called in the bb with 88, a couple others called. Flop comes down 88K rainbow. Obviously a good flop, but not a great one, because it is usually hard to get people to commit a lot of money unless they have KK and maybe AK...usually. So I check, someone in middle position bets, the raiser raises and I'm left with a decision. I think it would have been better if I led, given my position relative to the raiser and the rest of the field, because now, in my mind, if I cold call the bet and raise on this board I HAVE to have a big hand. While I'm thinking about it though I noticed that flop bettor is preparing to shove two stacks of red chips (200) into the pot which, I thought, would be an all in for him. He didn't even notice me. So I called the raise and, sure enough, he shoved those stacks in. Then the raiser calls all in for less than 200. I'm shocked! I double check my hand to confirm, yes, I have the other two 8s. What the hell could these guys have? So I call and immediately turn over my hand, which actually probably cost me 45 bucks because the bettor wasn't all in yet. Oh well. In my mind, honestly, even if I didn't turn my hand over he can't call because I have to have at least an 8 with all of this action, which, unless he has KK, means he's drawing very, very slim. Anyways, he folded, the other guy had AK and I scooped another large pot.

After that, I ran a big bluff into the one guy at the table who can't lay down a hand (good one). But that paid off somewhat because I was able to make some really sick value bets and get paid. The 2nd day was very much the same for me, good cards mixed with good play. However, Catherine had a rough trip all three days in poker and the third day my luck dried out, so we ended up down a bit for the trip. Oh well, we have some money in our bankroll now and, overall, I'm confident in my play and Catherine's play, so I'm sure our luck will change.

We came back on Friday after a hellish day of travel, but we were happy to be home again. Saturday I took Catherine to the mall to get her some more birthday presents, which was fun. She got some cute shoes and some good smelling body splash. Saturday night was the first meeting of our Tri-Valley Whiskey Society, which was a lot of fun. We tried out some good bourbons in a blind tasting, and it was a interesting to see the differences between the four that we tried.

Sunday I surprised Catherine with a birthday party at my parents house with our close friends. That was really fun to plan, although keeping a secret from her is the pits. But the party went off great. Thanks to everyone for their help. Then we watched the Giants just smash the dreams of the Patriots and basically turn Tom Brady into their bitch. I ended up losing some money on the game due to super bowl pools and bad bets. Oh well. It was a fun time.

One last thing I want to comment on in this entry: Its amazing to me the shrillness of the conservatives over John McCain. I understand that they don't like him and don't want him to be nominated. But to hear some of them talk you'd think it was Vladamir Lenin himself we were nominating. This sounds extreme but more than one conservative has strongly stated that they would vote for Hillary Clinton if John McCain becomes the nominee. To me this is utterly preposterous and it makes them sound like whiney little brats. I'm sick of it. That's all I'll say about this right now.

Game I finished last night: Bioshock
Game I'm looking forward to getting: Endwar

Duct Tape

2008-01-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

In the interim between this and my last blog I've been working at a chemical plant, doing a "turnaround". I worked for 7 days straight, for a total of 85 hours. Needless to say, I'm very tired. It was a very busy turnaround as well. Usually I'm allowed some time to just think or read during the hours of downtime. But this time I was running around, solving problems pretty much the entire time. We use a lot of what we call "duct tape" to keep things together and make them work. But my dad and I are pretty good at it, so it works.

During the turnaround my wife was diagnosed. Its funny how something so simple as a name change can have implications that change everything. It's disconcerting is so many ways. You feel almost duped because what you were led to believe was something simple is now something much more complex and deep seeded. And its not that reality has changed, but the reality has always been this way. Our awareness has changed, which rocks you to the bone. Really though, there is nothing else to do but grit your teeth, squint your eyes, and strengthen your stance for the battle ahead. There is no other acceptable choice or alternative anymore. I am so thankful though for so many understanding people around us to help us.

In two days we go to Vegas again, for the first time this year. I'm very excited to relax, hopefully play a lot of poker, and eat some good food. Mostly though I just want to get away from everything. I haven't played poker in so long though, I just can't wait. I am probably going to be rusty, and with a limited bankroll, I will likely have to play a tight, solid game initially, at least until I get my game back. The hard part will be being patient playing against all the "regulars" at the venetian who are really just a bunch of nits (with some exceptions).

After seeing four out of the five movies nominated for best picture at the emmy's, the award goes to There Will Be Blood, with No Country for Old Men a close second.

Current music on the ipod: Radiohead - In Rainbows
Movie I really enjoyed that slipped under the radar and I'm not sure if too many others would enjoy it: Eagle vs Shark

you're never really as deep as you think you are

2008-01-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

I'm here in Oakland, teaching a class right now on the safe way to handle chemicals. The students are doing an exercise right now and are toiling away, so serious, trying to formulate the proper strategy to deal with a release of some hazardous chemicals. How exciting for a safety geek.

Things are moving along in life in general. I feel like I've been so busy that I haven't had time to react to anything. I had hardly even had time to read the newspaper this week, which leaves me relying on the small snipets of information I get before work and during lunch (go McCain). The bad news is that it will only get worse next week with another turnaround on its way. This week was busy because of a variety of social obligations. Next week I will be 100% devoted to a small chemical plant in martinez. At least its only a week this time.

All this business has come at a really bad time too. Catherine is struggling right now and all I want is to be available to her for help. I wish I could just take it all away from her, but this is a worse torture, which teaches us to rely on God more I suppose. That thought is only a mild comfort.

I looked up my online poker screen name on Google and was interested to find that people are posting hands that I've played with them. Hands they lost and I won. Hands where they thought I was a bluffing maniac (sometimes true) but I wasn't, or I was and I still came out lucky. I also found that, as of right now, I'm a long term loser in the online cash games. This is disheartening, but really not that surprising. I know that earlier I let a number of factors influence my online game to the point that I become a donkey. However, I really feel like I'm much better, and, given the chance, I could turn those numbers around. I don't believe I will get that chance online anytime soon though. I just don't have time (or the taste) for online poker. Live poker is just far more interesting. Still, I really just want to play more.

I need to go be a teacher again. I miss my wife though. I was thinking in the shower this morning (I seem to do a lot of deep thinking in the shower) how lucky I am. Even with this horrible time, there is still no question in my heart, mind, or soul that the good outweights the bad. They're almost not even worth comparing.

Song that I have stuck in my head: Joni Mitchell - You're So Vain
Thing I want to do tonight: Go see Cloverfield before everyone spoils the suspense

the social scene has gone to the dogs

2008-01-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

Another week begins and here I am at work, feeling rather productive because I've already accomplished a lot. We're preparing for the jaberwocky, known as the turnaround, which begins unofficially Saturday and Monday in earnest. This one will only be a week though, so it won't be so bad.

I had a pretty good weekend overall. On Friday night we had a poker tournament at Kevin's apartment. There was a pretty good turnout, for our area. We tend to only get between 6-8, but this one yielded 11 people. The blinds seemed like they were moving slow, but I always seemed to be below average in chips. I never really had great starting hands, but somehow had enough to stay alive. I was able to pull to a strong lead at around 5 handed, and didn't look back until heads up with Karen. The blinds were big and she was drunk. Karen is a very conservative player, but sometimes she'll show up with a hand you wouldn't expect. Anyways, I doubled her up with Kh10h vs her A9o. Then, when we were pretty close in chips, she limped on the button, which I knew meant she was weak (she was open shoving any time she had a good hand). So I shoved in the BB with Qh8h, and then nearly puked in my mouth when she snapped called me with the Q9o. So she doubled up again and crippled me. I grinded my way back up to a reasonable stack, but then got it all in with Q2 and she snap called with AA. oops. Oh well, I had fun and felt good about my 2nd place finish, given my run of cards.

Saturday we went to my folks house to have a birthday party for their now one year old bulldog, Winifred. As silly as it sounds, it was fun overall, I suppose. Afterwards we had Rob and Wanda over for a bit for a Wii party. Then Catherine and I got all adventurous and went to Best Buy to purchase a new vacuum, Assassin's Creed for the Xbox 360, and the new Radiohead. Afterwards we went and saw Sweeny Todd, which we both enjoyed overall. The movie certainly isn't for the squeemish. There was a LOT of blood and such, but the mixture of the whimsical and the serious and grotesque made for an entertaining movie. Its one I think I would like to see again though in order to fully appreciate.

Sunday Catherine and I just relaxed. We watched a weird psychological thriller called Joshua. Picture The Omen meets Hitchcock's indie son who's tired of living in his father's shadow. I'm still not 100% sure how I feel about that movie. It just felt like it tried too hard. But I'm not sure. After that we played Assassin's Creed and then read together. It was a good day overall.

I find that I forget a lot of things. I come up with these, what I feel at the time, profound ideas and promise to write them down or expound upon them in my mind or with others. But then I forget them later. It makes me wonder how much of my life I've just forgotten.

Currently listening to: Underoath - Define the Great Line
Thing I wish I would stop doing: Getting riled up over video games like I did when I was 8

less long, yet substantial

2008-01-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

I'm tired this morning. We haven't been sleeping well lately, starting with Monday night/Tuesday morning where we were both sick and Catherine fainted and bruised her face (i swear i didn't beat her...). Oh well. I suppose its not too bad. Things have been going well overall though. Catherine's new medicines seem to be having an effect on the short term stuff and she continues to battle against the long term stuff, so perhaps there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

We're going to Las Vegas for Catherine's birthday at the end of this month, which is very exciting. We haven't been there in a long time it seems (like two months really...we're spoiled) and I'm dying to play poker. A combination of the holidays, losing our bankroll (which was very much the holiday's fault), and me not playing online poker much at all anymore has made it so that something I used to do literally almost every day I do, at best, once every week or two. Its strange, but I think its for the best. Tomorrow night there's a poker night at the Meng's so that will be good to quench my fix for a bit. Hopefully the poker gods will be on our side because we could really use the money for Vegas at the end of the month.

Its funny how when you get older you realize what an idiot you were in your youth. I guess that's normal but the wisdom behind the whole "log in your eye" thing that Jesus spoke of is really being brought home to me as I examine my past, and some current, relationships. It just seems like a rule that whatever I criticize others for I myself am eternally guilty of. I have failed so many of my good friends because of my arrogance. What a terrible shame. I can only pray that even now I will be given the discernment to see where I am failing those around me,, the humility to acknowledge it, and the wisdom to correct it.

movie i watched last night: the good shephard
next tattoo idea: a sacred heart w/ an angel surrounding it.

this is way too long.

2008-01-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

There's been some interesting things happening in the world, so I thought I'd air my thoughts on a few things. Disclaimer: I am no where near an expert on anything, so my thoughts are largely useless and prone to much error. Read on at your own risk.

First off, the New Hampshire primaries ended last night with John McCain and Hillary Clinton as victors. Now, in reality, the primary itself isn't that significant. The real significance comes in momentum gains and losses for the various candidates. McCain and Clinton really needed the win first off. McCain's win comes as a defibrillator shock to his campaign. Even still its not certain if he'd make it, but if he didn't win it was certain he would have to bow out of the campaign. Now though, he has to hope that momentum alone will carry him, because, according to news reports, he's close to broke and doesn't have much of a national organization to take advantage of this win.

As for the others, Romney is in pretty bad shape. Two second place finishes in states he was a big favorite for not long ago. In my opinion, the next two states are a must win for him, or else we're going to wave bye bye to mister republican version of John Kerry.

Guliani and Thompson need to show some real movement upwards, with at least a second, I think, in order to stay competitive. Thompson will likely go away soon I imagine. Guliani has a lot of national support, but without much momentum he will begin to peter out soon unless he can pull something together.

Clinton pulled off a stunning win that will stave off utter defeat, I believe. For her this win keeps her in the game and established as the front runner. I believe that if she lost Obama would have so much momentum that it would be almost impossible to stop him. His campaign still has some oompf, but Clinton really has shown that she has staying power and I'm not sure that he can overcome that. I think it's becoming clear that Clinton will win the nomination. Obama is her only competition and the others are non-entities.

So it will be interesting to see what happens from here, especially on the republican side. Its amazing how much money is spent (wasted?) on these campaigns. But I suppose that's the nature of the beast.

In other news, there's a big debate now stemming from a confrontation Joe Sebok had with Isaac Haxton on Poker Road Radio. This has led to a huge thread on 2 + 2 about it with two sides battling. There are two competing arguments that I see. First off, the math game vs. the feel game, and the online players vs. the live players. In the thread players such as Daniel Negreanu, Barry Greenstein, and Daniel Alaei have, in my interpretation, come down on the side of basically seeing poker as a feel game rather than a math game, which somewhat, although not directly, puts them more on the side of the live players (although I think that the whole live vs online thing is pretty stupid, and the pros mentioned above generally agree. more on that later).

This is very encouraging to me, because I always felt that if poker were just a math game that could be "figured out", like blackjack, then it would quickly lose its interest. Instead, the game is more complex than that and I couldn't be happier. It reinforces my belief that poker is like life, so situational. There are situations that reappear and they are similar, but no two situations are 100% alike, and with life, as with poker, there are many different reactions to every situation. They are not black and white, but rather a spectrum. In poker, as in life, there are decisions that are clearly correct and clearly incorrect. But sometimes there are decisions that are good decisions, but perhaps not the best decision for that situation. The differences are subtle and complex, which makes life and poker more interesting. You can't box it and no one has it all figured out. I love it.

The live vs online debate is silly. Much has been said on the subject, but I want to add my two cents. They are two different animals in my opinion and saying which is the best is futile. That being said, I believe that the way online players act and react in the situation is directly connected to their median age. They tend to be younger, usually college aged. In my experience, people of that age, especially males, are arrogant and rash. I know this because I was, and still in many ways, this way.

Add to this the internet factor. If you look on online forums people are downright brutal. Why? Because its so easy to call someone an lifeless fucking asshole on an internet forum when you're hiding behind a computer with a fake name. In my own business I've seen adults say and do things to me in our online courses that they would never do in a live class, simply because they can hide behind technology. This makes the arguments over the online vs live more venomous at times. Granted, not all online pros are this way. In fact many of them, especially the very successful ones, show a lot of class. But all it takes is an hours perusal of online poker forums to see the immaturity of many of the posters.
Publish Post
Anyways, I've said enough. This has become a super blog. Most will not be this long, I promise. But you know what's great? Most of you have stopped reading anyways, so I can say pretty much anything I'd like, your lifeless fucking assholes.

Amen.

Currently listening to: Big Poker Sundays w/ Bob and Huff
About to do: Go have lunch with my wife

2007 is gone and a new blog is here

2008-01-07T09:50:00.000-08:00

Hello world. This is probably my third or fourth attempt at one of these silly things. I'm not sure why I'm doing it exactly. I suppose that a big reason is because I tend to get my thoughts out better when I write them out. It forces me to focus instead of always "shooting from the hip", which is what I'm notorious for (probably only notorious to myself and a few others, but that's neither here nor there). There is also, I imagine, some measure of pride in having others read my thoughts. Some sort of validation. Whatever though. We're all arrogant in some ways, and perhaps by airing my arrogance I can become less so.

So I will begin this new blog by reflecting backwards, since it is somewhat close to the beginning of this year, and proper reflection seems to be in order. It was an extraordinarily difficult year, but a singular statement such as that never seems to capture the complexities of life stretched of a time so long as a whole year. You kind of have to be there to understand. Alas, most of you weren't. So I'll try to give highlights by pointing out the highs and lows of 2007, in no particular order.

Best of 2007

Getting our new dog isabelle
Our new tatoos
My brother getting married and then his wife getting pregnant
Getting to watch the WPT Bay 101 final table taping live
Our trip to Vegas with Josh and Shawna

Worst of 2007

Catherine's illness
Chip Reese's death
Colorado

And, with a look to the future, I've done a lot of thinking and here are some goals for 2008:

Get healthier
Eat better/less
Exercise as much as possible
Read more, especially non-poker books
Develop a deeper relationship with God
Go back to school and start to finish my degree
No more online poker at work, unless I have nothing else pressing
Try to play more live poker, at least every other week if possible
Try to play in a major event. Either the upcoming WPT event at Bay 101 or a WSOP event
Get more involved, at least intellectually, in politics and foreign affairs
Take Catherine on more dates
Keep spending time with the new and old friends we have
Do whatever it takes to make Catherine better

currently listening to: paul simon - still crazy after all these years
current pick for president in election 2008: john mccain